THE ROAD DOWN

An Old Friend

2005-12-10T22:58:00.000-06:00

For first time readers,my name is Doug and I am an Alcoholic and Drug Addict.I am an Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse.I have spent years behind bars,when not behind bars I was in Bars!I use my life story as an example to hopefully inspire or give courage to other addcits and victims.I "died" of a drug overdose which lead to me being:CLEAN AND SOBER 17 MONTHS 7 DAYS 12 HOURS 45 MINUTES,that is how long it as been since my death,and then my miraculous revival but who's counting?

AN OLD FRIEND and a new drug

I was fifteen when I first met him.Oh,I had known about him for years,even caught a glimpse of him once when my parental grandfather and my namesake passed away at the very young age of eighty six.I was sure I caught a glimpse of him then,but was to young to know for sure,I think I was six or so.
Whenever I have seen him he was easy to spot,you see I come from a town so small that we all could fit inside a 300 seat theater and there would still be room to invite dates,so any new face or any new person stands out from the rest of us who have known each other since birth.
I am positive that I saw him one night when a bunch of us were in the process of coming of age,at the mandatory beach party all teenagers must at least say they were at.It was an exceptionally warm night,even for July in the Mid West.As such it was decided that we must all go for a midnight swim.
One of the boys there didn't want to go swimming that night,after all we were all under the influence,we had been drinking heavily since supper time.I as usual had supplied most of the alcohol,I always seemed to be able to find a source,even if it was moonshine,I was the guy to see even at that age.(I have already told you about how I was sexually abused and how I used the pedophile to do my bidding)
Add to that the fact that the night was pitch black.The clouds that were to bring a morning thunder shower were blocking what little moon there was,and even Sirius in all it's splendor was invisible that night.The boy reluctance to go swimming was laughed at by the rest of us,me the worst of the teasers,and since there were girls watching,he of course gave in.They found him by eight o'clock in the morning,so we still had time to get to school.Not my fault,not at all.
Even though the night was so dark I am sure that I got a glimpse of my friend that night.I did not know it at the time that we were going to become so well acquainted or that he would have such a profound influence on my life.

It was just over two years later when I saw him again.I had just returned from a summer of working in a bush camp a thousands miles from home,so I was of course the local hero,what with my worldly manner and pockets full of money.
I brought back more then money from that summer away from home,I also brought back some pretty glamorous stories about the wonders of marijuana.I also brought back enough to share.
There was one boy who was reluctant to try it,but he was teased,and there were girls present, so he tried it.They found his over turned truck by eight oclock in the morning,so there was still time for us to go to school.Not my fault,not at all.

Low and behold,it was only about two months later that my new friend appeared again.One of the boys kept wanting to hear my tales of adventure in the bush camp,the easy money,easy women and the cheap drugs all appealed to him so much that he began to brag that he would quit school and go out there.He kept bragging so much that people began to tease him so much it was almost a form of abuse,and there were girls present,so of course he had to go.
This time we were already at school when they came to tell us that,yes,he had finally quit school and ran away to the bush camp,driving his fathers car.He ran away to go on an adventure,an adventure that I had planted in his head.He ran away,but he did not find his adventure,in fact he never arrived at his destination at all.He never was a good driver, fortunately the people in the other car were not seriously injured.Not my fault,not at all.

The winter that year was a mild one,and by mid March spring was in the air,the snow was gone and the first willows where giving up the branch tips with their fuzzy "pussy's"to adorn table tops.It seemed like it was the perfect day for a high school dance,and of course it was also a perfect excuse to buy some more alcohol and to break into my drug stash.What kind of teenage dance would it be if there wasn't alcohol and drugs to abuse?Since there was a dance,there is of course there is a girl,and being the type of guy I was,even though I already had a fiance' living in the big city(yeah,I got engaged in high school,no she wasn't pregnant,I was "compensating") I of course had a date for the dance.
The weather here is famous,you can see a sixty degree(Fahrenheit) drop in temperature in eight hours or less,and that is just the kind of day it was the next time my buddy came around,the night I should say.I was just getting into the police car,being taken away because they suspected I was under the influence,leaving my date to drive herself home in what was to turn out to be the worst blizzard in twenty years.As I turned to wave good bye to her,I think I saw my friend standing behind her with big grin,but as usual I was both high on drugs and drunk on alcohol,so I might have been wrong.
They found her cold frozen lifeless body about eight o'clock in the morning,she had tried to walk home after getting stuck in a snow drift.There was no school that day,as it was a weekend.Not my fault,not at all.

It was years before my friend showed himself again,I was almost beginning to think he had forgotten me,and all that I had done for him.When he did come again,it was in the most abstruse of manners.My feelings towards him while ambiguous,were at least not hateful,not until this time.From now on I would loathe him and recoil from even thinking of him.
I had wanted a son all of my life,what man doesn't? I am told by the psychologists and the psychiatrists I have seen over the years that I was obsessed with having a son due to my family feelings,or rather lack of family feelings.I am adopted,I have no known blood relatives,so a boy to me represented the beginning of an identity,the old "carry on the family name and bloodline" thing that was and is so popular even in these enlightened days.A chauvinist I am not,but I am still old fashioned enough to see a son as the name carrier.I have two beautiful highly intelligent daughters,and no man is prouder of them,and I can tell myself that they will continue my blood(I already have a beautiful highly intelligent ten year old granddaughter who just learned she can beat me in a game of crib) but unless they pass my name to a male ....you know what I mean,it should not be important to me,but it was very important to me once.I am learning to accept the fact I will never have a male heir.(What's that?you volunteer to have my baby?still can't,went and had a vasectomy,anoher long story filled with heart ache)
Between the the two girls I have lay ten years,ten years of my wife and I trying for that son,or any child.Ten years of miscarriages and spontaneous abortions (I hate that term!)In desperation I called out to God,"Let me have a son,and I will sponsor a foster child."I immediatley send a cheque,we are foster parents,and nine months later we were the proud parents of a son.I had since lost the family farm and it was alcohol that was almost as big as factor as grain and livestock prices.
So we had our new son,I had a new job,things were good,who needed the hassel and expense of a foster child?My son died at the age of twelve weeks.Not my fault,not at all.

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The years drift by,my old friend shows up many times,but by now I am so used to his presence I barely even notice him.I sell drugs to someone and they die?Not my fault,not at all.I take a guy drinking when he was ordered not to drink by doctors and he dies,not my fault,not at all.
One day I decided I was in love,and I quit drinking and I quit selling drugs,I got a real job,I didn't do a damn thing wrong.I was so madly in love nothing could stop me from succeeding.Nothing but my old friend.Lisa was the most beautiful woman I have ever known,and she made me happier then a man as a right to be.I quess that is why my old buddy came,he was jealous.She was fourty one years old,not my fault NOT AT ALL!

Again the years go by,I see my old friend now and then,but his visits mean nothing to me.I call up my best friend to bring me more drugs,he stops for gas,and gets stabbed to death in a robbery,not my fault,not at all.
I gave up on the being sober idea and I live with a lovely lady for over three years.We drink and do drugs together,and for the most part we get along fine.I went to jail,of course she had to do what she had to do to survive,and when I get out,we tried a couple times,but it wasn't there anymore.I don't see my old friend either for a while,a nice chance,sometimes you get tired of seeing the same guy over and over.
I then think I saw my old friend again,this time up close and personal,but at the last possible second I lost sight of him,and like the Phoenix I was reborn and I never expected to see him again.
I am also clean and sober since then,and for the last six months or so have been talking to my lady friend,she was still drinking and doing drugs,but asking for my help,wanting an "us'again,and I was trying to help her get clean.She kept asking to "come home"but I was not ready,she was still using,and I would not let her in.
"Bonnie,I love you! I need you,come home!"
Those are the exact words she said she dreamt I said to her. I of course just laughed her off,accusing her of inventing things again.I told her it was hard to manipulate someone who was a Grand Master at guile.I don't profess to being a fraud artist extraordinaire just because I like the way the phrase rolls of my tongue,No,that was just another ploy by her to steer the conversation around to us getting back together.I didn't fall for it.That was just a few days ago.
My old friend came again.I was just congratulating myself on how wonderful my life was going,and God and I had just had a long talk about my future and His plans for me,when my old friend showed up again.Once more my lady friend was fourty one years of age when my old friend came.Not my fault,not at all.
You see,as I am sure you all know,my old friend is DEATH.the New Drug I refered to ?GOD!

Dedicated to Bonnie A. Thank you for loving me,may you RIP 01/17/64-11/10/05

THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU

I pray that others will find the joy in living I that I have discovered.

I pray that others may join me in Giving thanks for what I have,not wish for what I do not.

I pray others will be inspired by my events,and from them take new understanding.
I am disabled barely able to walk with a cane,near blind,deaf in one ear.

I suffer from Fibromylogia,
I have contacted Hep-C,
I just had a CAT scan and a spot of Adenoma was discovered.
I have twice beaten cancer,this maybe the third strike
I suffer from PAD,my feet and legs are swollen to three times their normal size and leave me in excruciating pain.
I have been stabbed eight times,suffered two gunshot wounds.
I have had over 40 broken bones in a dozen different incidents.
I have lost the use of my left eye(knife)and right ear(kicked)
I live in poverty,needing to beg from food banks in order to have enough food to live.
I live in isolation,needing "away time"to heal,yet I am never alone,for He is with me, one more thing I give thanks for.
I was sexually abused by a teacher/boyscout leader as a young teenager.
I was a pallbearer at four,attendant at 3 others of my schoolmates funerals before the age of 17,which perpared me for death of love ones.
I lost a son,my one and only, to SIDS,taken at just 12 weeks
I lost a wife,my one true love to a neurological disorder.
I just found out I lost another,cause yet known,DRUGS FOUND AT SCENE
I was once found"dead" of a drug overdose,but
I am ALIVE!
I SURVIVED!
I DO NOT HAVE AIDS OR HIV(a miracle in it's self)
I AM HAPPY!
I HAVE THE LOVE OF MY FAMILY!
GOD LOVES ME!
PRAISE THE LORD!

Thank you Lord,for leaving me alive at all,for the roof over my head,( have been homeless) the porridge I had for breakfast and will again for supper ( no lunch) for the gift of this computer( it was a gift from my daughter,reunited by His Hand) and thank you for the company of my cat,I was lucky,her children all found good homes.
It is a wonderful day!Though the skies might be gray,and the air cool,I bask in the glow of His love and am warmed.Thank you Lord,just for being You!

As the song say's,don't cry for me.I am alright,I needed to write this,get the bile out.It may sound like I am blaming myself for these people dying,and that is exactly what I felt for most of them,that it was my fault that they were dead.I mean the facts are pretty plain,if you take me out of those stories,the subject lives.Is it then any wonder I was filled with guilt?
Like another song say's "I just did me some talking to the sun",well I have done the same thing,I have did me some talking to the Son,and everything will be alright,it alright now baby,it's alright.(sorry for butchering two beautiful songs,they died for a good purpose)My talk with the Son was a good one,we are on the same page,He expects certain things from me,and I expect nothing from Him,He as done enough for me I feel.He says He as much more to give me,and I will accept His gifts,how can I not?He loves me! I don't think my old friend DEATH is a worry to Him!

As usual I invite your comments and will publish the good with the bad.I will however delete any spammers,please do not even try and get me to promote with you,under you or over you.Neither your product or your proposal interests me.I will visit your sites if your comment is relative to this post and not just another copied/pasted piece of drivel.I love looking at sites that earn revenue from Go gle ads,I like to learn as much as I can about word placement etc.

If any of you find information from any of the sponsors that you found particularly useful,I would love to hear about it.My favorite mail is the ones I have received saying that they were genuinely helped because of one the ads that Go gle provided,that makes them doubly rewarding.

So,until the next time,God Bless you all,please tell your friends of my sites.Thank you.Alcoholism and Drug Addiction are beatable.I am living proof!There is help out there!If you need a start,email me and I will do my best to help.I have an on line support group for addicts,and there is room for you in it!If you were a victim of Sexual Abuse,there is no reason for guilt or shame,as those are just other forms of abuse.let THE ABUSE END NOW! Parents be informed,know the warning signs that your child may be being abused.

DRUGS KILL! ALCOHOL IS A DRUG!Please if drugs or alcohol are causing a problem in your life,seek help.It can be done!

Another Fear to Overcome

2005-11-28T02:01:00.000-06:00

HELLO,MY NAME IS DOUG,AND I AM A DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICT.CLEAN AND SOBER 16 MONTHS 22 DAYS 18 HOURS 45 MINUTES,that is how long it as been since my death,and then my miraculous revival but who's counting?

I am scared.Scared like I never have been before.What lays ahead of me makes me shiver when ever I think of it.I am SCARED!

I,who have stood fearlessly up to knife wielding maniacs,calmly ducked bullets while cracking jokes,taking away the gun from the would be robber,then buying him a drink!I,who have shot rapids,swum the depths,climbed mountains and jumped out of perfectly good airplanes.

I,who could steal perfectly good airplanes,even though I had never flown before.(heh,I watched the guy,didn't look so hard!) I who was able to stay so calm I beat the lie detector,not once,but three times.( of course this is fiction,right?)I,who could walk through customs with $250,000 worth of blow,and not even sweat,I am scared.I am not lying,this will be the hardest thing I have ever done,and I am so scared, scared of ridicule,scared of my children's reaction,scared my father who is 85 will find out and not understand,he is of a time when such things just did not happen,nor do I want him to feel guilt for not protecting me.

I am afraid he might,for it was for him,to please him,to try and make him proud,that I joined what would later become the instrument through which I am sure I will regret my involvement for the rest of my days.I have already told you of that,if you missed it read
Boy Scouts are Always Prepared.Read it now,I'll wait here!

I am even scared of my ex-wife,how do you tell the women you married,lived with for fourteen years,who is still one of your strongest supporters,that you could not trust her with your darkest secret?Of all the times she would ask questions and I would lie to her,swore to her, over and over,telling her everything was okay.How do I now confess to her and say to her,she wasn't worthy of my trust?for that is how she will react,this will hurt her,and I have caused enough harm to her already.

My one saving grace with her,my ex-wife and mother of my beautiful daughters,is that she will understand my reasons for going,not only public,but public in the loudest voice I can muster.Once I tell her the root of my fear now,she will rejoice,not at the discomfort I am facing but for the reason I am so scared.That will please her to no end!

I am scared of telling my story and not be believed.I am more scared of telling my story and being believed!I must not tell my tale,I will be forced to relive it,over and over.It may take YEARS before I can finally tell all of the story,for there are legal reasons I can not yet.

I have made a start,but there is so much ahead of me,I can't just quietly report my abuse and move on,no I have to SHOUT to the world,I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED,and by a man,if you can call him that.I am scared of the stigma that is sure to follow,of the wondering glances and the suspicious stares.I am scared that people may think twice about letting me be alone with their children.Where there is smoke there must be fire will be their reasoning.Don't bother telling me that none of these things will happen,they will,as sure as God made little green apples,it will happen.I am scared of the "rat label"for it is a golden rule,for those of us who have ever been behind bars,that we NEVER will say anything to put another there,no matter what.This,above all other reasons,as kept me silent these last few months when the idea was first impressed on my mind to tell of my abuse.I have been "clean and sober"for close to seventeen months now,but it as only been the last few months that I finally feel that my mind is no longer clouded.The more I write,on this or any topic,the more clear things become.So,rat or not,I am reporting my abuser,and have made the first steps.The first tiny steps in what promises to be a long hard uphill climb,made doubly difficult by the fact that I am shivering in my boots! I am SCARED!Scared of all those thing I mentioned and more,but also scared of one more thing,and this one is a biggy!

I am scared of: GOD! yes God!

Not that He will condemn me or strike me down,I am not scared that God will not forgive me,for in this case,it is I for once who was victim,and even if I carry some blame,God as forgiven me,He as spared me,given my life meaning and direction,and that is why I am so scared.I now know what I am to do with my life,and just when I thought living was getting so nice and easy,and SAFE,He,God,throws a wrench into my plans of kicking back with a few good books and watching my granddaughter grow up.No,God as another plan for me,and it SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME! and I think that was the intended message! For sure as He made those little green apples,I was on the road to Hell.That was then,this is now.

Yes,I fear that God will make me live through all of my pain,over and over and then He will make me help others in the same position.He as been busy with me lately,calling upon me to write this,and testifying to how he resurrected me from death,compelling me to start support groups for addicts ,write happy tales of misery and suffering all with the view to helping others who lives may have been touched by addictions.

I have come to terms with the fact that He wants me to become one of those I always used to ridicule,a do-gooder,a crusader if you will,one who is willing to give of his time and his resources to help others.I can accept talking about addictions and helping with fighting injustices,but I do not know if I can do what I think He wants now.
I fear that now He wants me to do more then reveal my story of shame,but that He then wants me to work to help other victims,and even to help and work with the type of person who caused all this fear in the first place.I am scared He wants me to forgive my transgressor,but in order for any of this to happen,I must expose
THE MAN WHO RAPED ME!Yes,it was rape,no there was no violence,or threats,but he was the adult,and an authority figure as well,teacher and scoutmaster as he was,and I was the child,trusting and naive,and at that point in adolescence when a young man body is in flux,striving to be a man,but still a little boy.The physical acts may not have been rape,but the emotional act was the worst and cruelest kind of abuse.
I know that is was rape,it does not matter that I may of enjoyed parts,I do not have to feel guilty that I had orgasm's,or that I accepted the gifts he gave me,went to concerts and plays with him,that I never ran screaming at his first touch.

So I am now five days away from signing the first of what I am sure will be the first of many official statements,formally laying a complaint with Law Enforcement.It is scary,but I WILL SUCCEED.I will OVERCOME MY FEARS and I will PROSECUTE him to the fullest possible EXTEND the LAW.One more PEDOPHILE will be exposed.

I wish I could tell you that it was John Quesnel of Regina Saskatchewan Canada who was the sick twisted former teacher/scoutmaster of mine when he was in teaching in the small prairie town of Semans Saskatchewan in the early 70's.I wish I could tell you that,but I am told not to.So I will not tell you that it was John Quesnel who caused so much of my pain,pain I did not even understand until just a few weeks ago.

I am a DRUG ADDICT,and I am in a DRUG TREATMENT PROGRAM,now I must be a SURVIVOR of CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE,and somehow overcome my fears,for as much as I fear starting this process,I fear NOT DOING IT EVEN MORE! If you have any advise you could share with me I would love to hear from you.I get an exorbitant amount of emails,so please put SCARED in the subject line,or to ensure you never miss a post by me,put READ in the subject line,and I will place you on my notification list.AS long as there is something in the subject line to make your email stand out,you WILL RECEIVE a reply,usually within hours,as I have no life other then the one God as planned for me,and that entails hours and hours of net time.So saying I have no life is very much in error,I have the best of lives,a life that God as spared me from death so that I could live it doing His service,and by doing so,heal myself.

THANK YOU GOD!

Our Father, who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, As we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever.

Amen.

Please visit THE ABUSE ENDS NOW!

a new resource site,now accepting applications for link placements.If you have a site that is of interest to abuse victims,and or those with addiction issues,I would be proud to ad you to my list.It can either be to your own site,a Ministry,or support group.I am a Christian,but I am tolerant of all who are in need of healing help,regardless of faith,race,or sexual orientation.That may draw the ire of some,but healing comes first.

I INVITE YOUR COMMENTS AND WOULD LOVE TO VISIT YOUR SITE! as long as your comment is not a spamming attempt.Please do not ask me to market with you,sign up either above or below you.I will promote only two things,and your sitaution is not one of them.I promote only God and myself,for by promoting myself,I hope to help others.

Boyscouts are Always Prepared,or are They?

2005-11-08T05:12:00.000-06:00

Just to bring first time readers up to speed,I am a drug and alcohol addict.I also was a sex addict,sleeping with every woman I could.I am in recovery from all three addictions.Praise the Lord.!

I am scared of what I am about to tell you,the reasons for my fear will wait,but I need to tell you something,and I must do it in a small boys voice,a voice I had hoped never to hear again,a voice that I had thought I had killed for ever.

I watched him die that little boy that night.I had killed him,as sure as if I had taken a gun to his head,I killed him.
Never again would the young boy run and play carefree,no more would he look at the world with bright eyes,gleaming in anticipation of the new day and of new discoveries to make.Never again would the young boy feel safe,never again would the young boy exist.That is the way it was supposed to be,him gone forever.

Oh yes,I killed him,buried him,cast him into a deep grave in the back of my mind,he was never to see the light of day again,however now the Lord as decided that he must live again,and tell you of his death.This is the second time the Lord as resurrected me,first the adult that I am,and now the little boy.The little boy speaks:

I so excited! today is the the day!I have been working so hard at getting my badges,hope Dad's happy for change,he always going on how easy us kids have it.This will show him I am tough too,just like him.Not my fault he got to fight a war,both him and Grandpa,mine will come,they all say so,five more years and I can sign up,then he will be proud of me!Nixon's an idiot,Viet Nam will still be there,and I am going!Only I'm going join the Marines,do a tour then apply for flight school.When I am an Officer,then father will have to be proud of me.

Mom says it's too cold for a camp out,Mother,that is why it's called a winter camp out,zess,Mothers....I have to hurry,get chores done,be in back in town by 10:00 am,oooohh it is cold this morning,the cows teats are going to be sore,they won't want to be milked,even the barn gets cold when it's -40 F.Pig shit liable to need chipping,not shoveling!Have to lite a fire in the water trough,glad I thought ahead and laid it last night.

Be sunrise in a couple hours,better hurry.John( his real name) says we had better have all the clothes and other gear that was on our list,he as no time to check up on us,if we weren't smart nuff to listen,then we could suffer if we missed that extra pair of socks,ot that warm blanket,Sleeping bags alone ain't going do it this time,this here is real survival stuff.Forecast is threating snow and wind,just what we need to make this a real survival trip.Blizzards round here have been known to bury whole houses,our tents could end up being igloos!

Don't know about John,he's a teacher,yet he makes us guys call him by his first name when out of school.Piss poor teacher to,be different if he gave me some real work.He gave me a bunch of books to read,some darn good stories,even a little racy in parts.I know Mother would die if she realized what I was reading,but when I say the teacher gave them to me,not another word.He came to town in August,to start the new school year as our literature and history teacher.

Wish he was our Home room teacher,they say he is a push over.Guys have all started to call him a fag,cause of the clothes he wears,bell bottoms they are called,and polyester suits.The guys here,they don't know to much about what's in,blue jeans is all they know,anybody different,he must be a fag.I don't take nothing from what others says,I have read to much to have the hick attitude of the guys who think books are just for school work,and never anything else.

Good thing he came when he did,cause Mr Menzies retired last year,and we didn't have anyone to be Scout Master.Some of the older boys make fun of us Boy Scouts,but I bet they sure as heck couldn't live outside at -40F! This is for tough guys only,yet it is the so called tough kids who ridicule us.Fuck em I say.

John as been starting to bug me lately.He is always singling me out,giving me praise,telling the other guys to be more like me.I wish he would just treat me like the rest,it's hard enough being known as the smartest kid in school,even worse when it's pointed out all the time.He tells me I am different,that I am way more mature then the rest,that I am special.Wish he wouldn't do that.

Man it is cold!we got the tents up just before dark,the fire is banked up for the night,I have the midnight watch,not looking forward to getting out of this warm sleeping bag.Need to sleep a bit first.

Fell into a drift carrying firewood,snow got all down my back and into my pants.Talk about freezing your ass!John told me it's best to get out of those clothes,sleep nude he says,like the Eskimos.

He brought out a bottle of whiskey,all the other boys are asleep,and we are whispering in a corner of the tent away from them so as to not disturb them,John says.I shiver,it's so cold,John,he says we should both get in the same sleeping bag,so as to stay warm.Brr.

That whiskey made me sick at first,but John kept saying I should drink,it will help me get relaxed.Why do I need to relax?What are you doing John,oh this isn't right,I want him to stop,but it feels so good,have only read of women doing that to a man,never knew that....

I don't know what to say so I just say can I have another drink John?What?,to you?,no!,no,no, well okay I'll try.Let me have another drink first. Sorry,I just couldn't do it,started to choke,thought I was going to throw up all over him,no I won't do that either,can I have another drink?,no?come on,I want another drink...well,okay,but just give me the bottle first.

It HURTS! it hurts so much.I want to cry out but I can't.I can't let the other boys know.God,why is he doing this to me.It so painfull.

Can I have another drink now? Pass the bottle John. Thanks for the drink John.

I invite your comments.Should I go to the police?This was not a one time thing.I KNOW I was not the only one.I managed to limit the sexual contact to just three or four other occasion over two years.I become a drunken male whore,getting him to do my bidding,buy me goods,and of course,provide me with all the liquor I wanted.I admit that I used him,that I gain from the twisted relationship.This as kept me in a sea of guilt,I saw the whole thing as much my fault as his.He introduced me to other women,he arranged for me to lose my real virginity with a beautiful seductive twenty seven year old,my swimming instructor that very next summer.The summer after that he even set me with his youngest sister.The man is truly sick,and as such I should forgive him and pray he gets the help he needs.That is what God wants I am sure,but this is one that even God will have to wait on.

I fear,for very good reasons,he is still an active pedophile.I saw him on television,his arm draped around a boy of about 13.He was running a computer day camp for inner city children.I saw the look in his eyes and I knew.That was fifteen months ago.

I was found "dead" of an overdose of morphine a few days later.I have no memory of that,and can only speculate.I have never believed in suicide,but perhaps in an intoxicated state......

I pray to you O Lord,give me the strength I need,and the wisdom to decide what to do.Please Lord,help learn how to forgive him,he who stole my youth,and that of the other boys,some that I am aware of,but that was in the two years before he fled our town as rumor ran wild.
Funny thing,parents seem to know,yet none spoke to the boys.Those things just weren't talk about.
I will tell you more details in the next few days,I feel emotionally drained right now.I have given enough details that everyone from my school days and in fact my whole home town in those days will know who his,and that is all I have the nerve for right now.
If you know who he is,well do what you will,I leave it in yours and God's Hand for now.PRAY FOR ME.My hands are trembling,can I hit the publish button? I must.

IF YOU WISH TO BE NOTIFIED OF THE NEXT INSTALLEMENT IN MY CONTIUING LOOK AT THE UNDERLYING CAUSES OF ADDICTION SIMPLE EMAIL hdforbes@yahoo.ca with the word READ in the subject header.Thank you.

I AM METH (do not confuse with methadone)

2005-10-30T18:19:00.000-06:00

Yes,the poem is on this page,scroll down.
Crystal Meth's popularity is growing at an alarming rate.The reasons for this are many and varied,however I believe that the ease of both obtaining the ingredients and the manufacturing of the drug is the prime cause.You do not need Colombian or Far Eastern ties to become a major distributor,any first year chem student can make as much as he wants,and for next to nothing.In fact if you get some made by that student,you will be one of the lucky ones,many manufactures don't even have that going for them,and they produce junk with so many impurities Ralph Nader would be shocked.
This leads to high profits for dealers,and also cuts it out of the hands of organized crime to a larger degree then any other drug.This factor,always over looked by both media and law enforcement,is the main cause of the increasing circle violence associated with the trade,violence that is killing innocents as well as participants.

I never would thought I would be telling you that organized crime saves lives,but if you'll stay with me a moment you will understand what I mean.There was a time when all major drugs where dealt under the umbrella of protection,each area had it's distributors who where responsible to a higher power.This higher power frowned on violence,at least not without their guidance.I will not go into any type of detail,but with the introduction of crystal meth,that higher power lost control.
Now any man with a Bunsen burner and a gun can claim the hood for himself,he need not look for a supplier,one who may have kept some sort of checks and balances/
I will be exploring that train of thought in a more detailed form,in the next article to appear in THE VIEW FROM OUTSIDE so I will just add this,I am NOT nor ever will be advocating a return to the days when organized crime ran everything,I am simply pointing out a condition that exists in the crime world these days.

I want to share with you a very,very important poem,one written by a young lady while she was in prison on drug charges. It is my understanding that the family of the young lady wishes to remain anonymous,for it is my sad duty to say she died,died with the needle still in her arm.
That is a very familiar story to me,I have lost more then one friend the very same way,and in fact died that way myself once!
That is why I think it is so important that I republish this poem,not just here,but I also ran it,with a much different header topic,at
AND FROM THE ASHES and I also posted it to the addicts support group I founded.
It is a beautiful hard hitting look at crystal meth addiction.
I have plenty of first hand experience with meth,and I can tell you,it is a mind fuck,it can totally screw your brain loose.It is not just the drugs effect,but it leads to sleep deprivation as well,and couple that with it's mind altering properties and more then once I have seen people screaming at walls and attacking plants that were talking to them,and a lot more disturbing images.I will now let you into a wonderful mind,one that losts it's battle and is with us no more.Here now is:

I AM METH

I destroy homes, I tear families apart,
I take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold,
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.

If you need me, remember I'm easily found,
I live all around you-in schools and in town
I live with the rich, I live with the poor,
I live down the street, and maybe next door.

I'm made in a lab, but not like you think,
I can be made under the kitchen sink.
In your child's closet, and even in the woods,
If this scares you to death, well it certainly should.

I have many names, but there's one you know best,
I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is crystal meth.
My power is awesome, try me you'll see,
But if you do, you may never break free.

Just try me once and I might let you go,
But try me twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie,
You do what you have to -- just to get high.

The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms
Will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.
You'll lie to your mother, you'll steal from your dad,
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.

But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised,
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,
I turn people from God, and separate friends.

I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride,
I'll be with you always -- right by your side.
You'll give up everything - your family, your home,
Your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.

I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give,
When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned - this is no game,
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.

I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind,
I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,
The voices you'll hear, from inside your head.

The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see,
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart,
That you are mine, and we shall not part.

You'll regret that you tried me, they always do,
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen, many times you were told,
But you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.

You could have said no, and just walked away,
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master, you will be my slave,
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.

Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell,
Come take my hand, let me lead you to........hell.

As usual I invite your comments,but I will NEVER support any one who just leaves a copy/paste comment.If you read my words,prove it in your comment,and I ll be your site within hours,looking at your ads if you have them.

I recently received a letter from a reader who praised,not me and my writing skills,but an ad!
It would seem that she was able to finally have her son diagnosed with a serious aliment.This as led me to look at the ads in a new light,and I will do my best to attract the type that may be of social value,rather then just commercial value to me.If you ever find information from an ad that you were helped by,please let me know so I can better serve future readers.
HUGS ARE BETTER THEN DRUGS! support group

THE ROAD DOWN

2005-10-18T00:00:00.000-06:00

SAVEDBYMETHADONE JOIN TODAY!
Please do not be fooled by the name,it is open to all,no matter what Drug Treatment Program you may or may not be on,open to all addicts and their loved ones,no matter where your addictions lay.We have Overeaters,Gambling,Alcohol and Drug Addicts.We judge none,welcome all,except Spammers!they will be banned the first non-related post!

I have no clear game plan here,I am not with this first entry attempting to be much of an author,more of a narration I guess you could call it,rather then true journalism,but you never know,I might just surprise us all and write something worth while!
I am afraid that some of you may take the wrong impression away from here,as in many parts it will sound as if I am proud of my past and that I do not understand the harm I was causing.
There is nothing that could be further from the truth then that,I only sound that way because I am writing how I felt AT THE TIME and place of the incident,and my mindset is much different now then when I was a parasite on societies back,for that is exactly what I was.So,bear with me as I relate the long story of how I first used a needle in my arm.
I have long been known around town as the guy to see for pot marijuana for you less in the know( what 2 people? out of 300 million? )
I was once in court on drug related charges,and the prosecutor was making the case that I must be very highly placed in organized crime since the grade of pot that they had seized had twice the usually amount of THC(Tetrahydrocannabinol; a compound that is obtained from cannabis or is made synthetically; it is the primary intoxicant in marijuana and hashish. ) that was normally found on the street.
His argument was that any one with pot that had a 27.5% content had to know the very best of growers,and by extension,I must therefore be associated with a internationally known motorcycle organization( I was NOT).
The way he was speaking was to supposed to make me feel that I should be ashamed,while all the time he was narrating his closing,I was swelling with pride,and a glance at the court audience showed that most of them felt the way I did,there where lots of nods and thumbs up thrown my way.
Even when the prosecutor brought up the seized firearms,which where both loaded at the time of arrest(a gun that is not loaded is just a club!I was raised with firearms,no one was in danger) the crowd seem to support my contention that the weapons where for protection from other criminals,not intended as a threat to law enforcement(I would NEVER shoot a cop,I respect them,and understand them)
The fortunate thing about that court case was that I actually had a legal aid lawyer who was totally committed to keeping me out of jail.You would almost think that he was a customer of mine,the way he fought for me!
He used all his powers of persuasion,citing other cases where the person was convicted yet served no time,but rather where placed on electronic monitoring.
I don't know if it was his arguments,or the fact it was two days before Christmas,but the judge gave me the choice,eighteen months of electronic monitoring(an ankle bracelet that tracks your movements and traces your location.Damn GPS!) or fourteen months of confinement.
I actually at that time asked for a day to think it over!It was a reluctant (or so he seemed) Judge that ordered me back to the Correctional.
I took the time.I read the conditions of release that I would have to live by and decided it wasn't for me.I knew I would violate the conditions,and end up with more charges,and since it was me,the cops would be watching closely.
I still may have gone for the conditional release except for the thirteenth and final condition laid out on the order that was given to be to critic:
13)shall have no contact at any time with anyone associated with drugs.
In my world,almost everyone I knew at least had a minor possession record,and since I was under conditions,the police had the right to stop me and interrogate me as to my comings and goings,and I was afraid that by extension,I may just land a colleague or friend in jail simply because they were seen with me.

I have sold an estimated tonne of pot,that is not just a saying,that is a real estimate.Two thousand pounds may seem like a lot,but spread it over the years and it becomes a more believable figure.
I have smoked ( and this always surprises people) at the most 3 grams! over thirty two years!( for you completely naive people,that amounts to about 10-12 joints,20 street sale size)
I hate pot,I hate how it makes me feel,I hate the time depression effect it has on me.I always like to feel that I am able to defend myself,and I KNOW that when I am stoned on pot I can not.
I found out this lesson the same way I seem to learn everything,the hard way.
I was working as a bouncer in a bar in a frontier town(in the 70's it was considered as such) that had a more then usual violent reputation.
I will not bore you with the blow by blow,but once,when stoned,I tried to evict a patron,and he got a hold of my hair( which was in a braid) and that was that,I suffered the price.I immediately went behind the bar and withdrew a nine inch knife I had confiscated and cut off my hair!No more pot for me!

So,how did I move from not even smoking pot to cocaine?and then anything I could jab into my arm?
Simple,one word.SEX! I was a sex addict ever since I was molested as a young teenager,I was molested by a man,and I now know it was my efforts to wipe that homosexual experience from my mind,that made me pursue women the way I did,for the next thirty some years.The condition is well known to shrinks and is called the "compensation principle"( at least that is what the one I had called it)
Despite the fact that I have never had a homosexual thought in my life,I was always out to prove my"manhood" by sleeping with every willing female that came along.Couple that with what must have been okay looks and attitude,as I almost never approached a women first,the list of my sex partners is well in the three figure range and most likely pushing four figures,but whose counting?
Please,ladies forgive me if I sound like a chauvinist pig,the truth is the complete opposite.I love and respect women,my best friends have usually been women,and I honestly feel they are the stronger and superior sex.I was fortunate in that my first sex partner after my molestation was lady some fourteen years my senior,and she taught me the pleasure of GIVING pleasure,a selfish lover I am not.
It was not until I was almost forty years old that I became a believer in monogamy,that was with my second "wife" .We were not married in the official sense,but no man ever was more committed.

My next partner I totally overwhelmed,I transferred my grief into an almost obsessive love,and I was shattered to find that she was not being monogamous.
I then had a three year relationship,and while I remained faithful,my heart was not really in it,I was only protecting myself by having a partner.If I am in a relationship[,the lady never wants for anything,I become hardworking,reliable and trustworthy with money,even if the money is ill gained,and the hard work consists of dealing 18 hours a day.
I was forced to end that relationship due to abuse,I could not take anymore beatings!I am being serious! quit laughing!she used to get drunk,come home and pick a fight so she could run off to drink some more.I do not hit women,and I was getting sick of explaining away my black eyes,and once,a broken leg(she hit me with a nine pound sledge hammer because I fell asleep while she was berating me)
I don't do single all that well,I never seem to have the drive necessary even to be a proper drug dealer,so when that relationship ended I started back in my ways of sleeping around,supposedly because I was looking to settle down with someone.
I had a very successful pick up line(I was a very well known individual where I used to hang out,I did not have to introduce myself) which consisted of me pushing the chair in front of a female walking by(this is in a bar of course) and saying "sit down,I am taking applications""Applications?"they reply,"yes,for the position of new old lady" BINGO,that was it,worked seven out of ten times.
How I avoided a STD (sexual transmitted disease)all these years is a miracle in it's own self,and I caution you all,practice SAFER SEX! Okay,there was the situation,just six years ago.
I was strong,healthy,and all too single,which is something I didn't do well in those days.Only
In order to have the money I wanted to drink my face off and meet women( always the wrong ones) I of course was selling drugs,but always screwing up with the money,which I contribute to my being single and just not caring enough.So it was not an unfamiliar sight to see me waking up with a girl,or in this case two.
The women I was with that fateful day,were of course both addicts,and they used Ritalin(related article,not associated with me) which besides from giving them a rush,they claimed it also served as an aphrodisiac.It was this aspect that caught my attention I believe,because damn it,I was going to keep these ladies happy,that is what I always prided myself on,and no I will not give details,read Penthouse Forum if that is what you are looking for! I have absolutely nothing against porn,especially the written kind where no one is exploited,however I will leave that kind of writing to others that are in that business,I won't attempt to break into that market.I also have the funny feeling I would not have the ads you see above if I were to write smut.They would soon ban this site.
So,there I was,I had been up awake for over 36 hours,drinking and loving the whole time,and when I could no longer,ahhh,lets just when I could no longer,I was offered for about the hundredth time,an injection of melted down Ritalin,and was told one time won't do anything but wake me up,in more ways then one,if you follow me.
Blame it on the booze,blame it on my ego( I HAD to perform!) blame it on the girls I was with,hell blame it on Rio,it makes no difference why I did it,in the end it is nobody's fault but my own.
That day turned me from being a hard drinking pot dealer,into an equally hard cranker of cocaine and Ritalin,and in order to support my new life style,I added cocaine to my product line.In keeping with my reputation of having the best pot,I used the same connections to have the purest blow,and unlike the other dealers in the hood,I never cut mine.That produced some horror stories in on its self,they will be related at another time.
The next few months where the most extreme months of my life.The phrase sex drugs and rock and roll took on a whole new meaning for me.
I will end this now,that is enough for today,you will just have to check back in a couple days to see my next entry.

To avoid ever missing any of my entries,either here or at my other two endeavors AND FROM THE ASHES and
THE VIEW FROM OUTSIDE please send an email to hdforbes@yahoo.ca with the word READ in the subject header.

PLEASE no promotional material,it will only result in your address being blocked.
I will NEVER join your programs,or promote your products or services.I already am committed 100% to the promotion of the best thing I could find.It nevers goes out of style,I never run out of stock,I am looking for recruits though,on a volunteer basis of course because you see the thing I promote is ME!
Pass the word,spread my links,you never know,one of these messages might get through to someone in need of help,and reading these stories will inspire them to seek it,it as happened before I am glad to report.

Please feel free to comment,I'll take the good with the bad,and will visit your site as long as it also as a comment section and you don't try and push promotions on me.

A Parents Love?

2005-10-11T18:47:00.000-06:00

The causes of drug and alcohol addictions are varied and in some cases hotly debated.
Is it genetics? upbringing?caused by sexual abuse by pedophiles?peer pressure,is it a factor?certainly the first drink,the first joint might be contributed to social pressures,but what of the continues use?Why is one child a future addict and the other a normal social drinker or even abstainer?
Could it be just a matter of circumstances and choices?I have alway believed that I became addicted through no other hand then my own.
I am still of the notion that ultiminity one has to take responsiblity for his own actions,but it is increasely difficult for me to deny the statstics.

I recently discovered a wonderful website Joshua Childrens Foundation and was more then a little surprised to find out that they claim a very high percentage of persons with Bulimia and Eating Disorders,Alcoholism,and Addictions have been sexually abused as children.Even cases of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and Dissociation have been linked to sexual abuse.The list goes on and on.It would seem that I was doomed from the start!

However,why will one child come forward in the very early stages of abuse,therefore stopping it perhaps before permant harm is done,and they get help,while the next child remains silent,and the abuse continues,often for years?This is where the factor of nuturing comes in,to my untrained eye at least.

This is supposed be a web page where I use entertaining tales in an effort to educate and perhaps even inspire someone to come forward and seek the help they need.This wheere I will try and tie in my point of one child comes forward,and one child does not.I can only use myself as an example.
I have talked about the abuse I received as a Boy Scout but there was an earlier time in my Scouting career,where,with a different leader (no John Q in this one)(whoops,another hint to his idendity,how many last names start with Q?) I learn many useful things and enjoyed the time away from Parents,maybe a little more then the other children. I present to you
A PARENTS LOVE?
I remember the excitement I felt that day as if it was yesterday,it was a warm spring day,the air was clear,the breeze brought with it a smell that every one who as ever been raised in the country side would recognizes.A pleasant odor,sort of a cross between lialic and manure,not the overwhelming scent of fresh barn manure,but the sweet warm smell all rural dwellers associate with pastures and meadows,with a hint of fresh cut hay mingled with it as well.

A small group of us where fidgeting nervously,standing in the parking lot,shuffling our feet as if cold,hands dug deep into pockets as if to warm them as well.It was not cold we shivered from,it was anticipation.
Conversation was almost nil,just the odd whisper between us,as if we were guarding some dark secret,or planning some dastardly deed.An occasional glance towards the school,and then off towards the street,was the only hint of what was to come. The large three story red brick building,which announced proudly,engraven into the granite header of the heavy double doors,that it had been constructed in 1909,sat silent.

If one could have listened through those heavy walls into the large square classrooms,numbered three to eight,you would have still heard the teachers intoning in their dry monotone to the remaining students,not us,we,the fortunate ones, had been dismissed early.
Although it was not a school sanctutioned event that we were to attend,it none the less had the outmost approval of the founding fathers of the school,and their elected officials.
In a genaration reared by the greatest of all generations,as those who fought and lived through the great second world war were to become known,it was not at all surprising to see young men in uniform,even those as young as I.I had spent two long years longing to wear that uniform,ever since I first saw an elder boy wearing one,but alas,I had to wait till the ripe old age of eight before being allowed to wear the green and gray.I was as proud of that uniform as a Naval Officer in Dress Whites,and there was not a button out of place,banner hung crooked or a shoe not shined to it's blackest brillance.

The first of the parents velehicles,and here is another memory crystal clear,a 1949 Chevrolet one-ton truck,the sun glistening off of the incredibly black exterior,came down the street and then veered into the school yard.The truck wound its way past the group of us young men,the occupants totally ignoring us, and parked in a spot most often used by those who had come to the school on business,not the accustomed visitors parking lot.No such minor role would the occupants play,by parking in an official post,they were proclaiming their independence and announcing their importance.Their presence was made all the more conspicuous by their next actions.The couple,as it could now be seen,a man and woman,both at or near fourty years of age,did not appraoch the group of young men,but sat silently in their conveance,as if they too were waiting for some event to transpire.

They did not have to wait long,a steady stream of cars and one other truck were soon to arrive on the scene,and the last mode of transport to arrive was a bright yellow school bus,arriving in a hurry,the driver swinging open the passenger door before the dust had even settled around it.Out of the bus sprang a young man of approximate twenty five years of age,and he also was drapped in the colours of green and gray.Not the short pants for him,he had on full leggings,and instead of the benie caps with the bright green button on top that we wore,his head was adorned by a Stetson,the felt creases perfectly formed,the tilt a perfect 22.5 degrees.This was the Scoutmaster,and no pocket novel hero was more respected and held in awe,to us he WAS Lord Baden Powell himself,no one could be more feared and revered at the same time.He stood waiting,as if we all knew what was expected of us,but none moved,it was as if we were frozen in our awe of him.

Finally,with a look that I became to associste with annoyance,he pulled from his front shirt pocket,an official whislte,which could be purchased at the Army and Navy Surplus store for $1.02,a months allowance.I will always remember that whisle and the price of it,as it was a young boys dream to own such a whislte,but of course,that was a "toy"so would not be allowed.The shrill blast brought to an end any last minute giggling and nervous chatter,and we guickly ran to stand proudly before him,in our best imitation of what we thought was the appropriate "at attention" stance.This was it,this was to be the first taste for many of us on what it would be like to away from home without parents for the very first time.I know for myself it was such an occasion,and one held with great anticipitation.

I was eight years of age,my birthday having occured some weeks before,otherwise I would have had to wait out yet another full year before joining the proud ranks of the Boy Scouts of Canada,Cub Division.This was to be a wilderness expedition,no contact with the outside world for the next fourty eight hours,we would be traveling by bus some thirty five miles to a region romantically called the Last Mountains,from which the near by lake and park takes their name.It (the park) boosts of being North Americas Oldest Wildlife Sanctuary.

The name it's self must have been some early settlers idea of a joke,as the range of hills which consisted of the Last Mountains never rose more then a thousand feet above the prairie landscape.The hills,which where lined with gullies and ravines,and dotted with willow bushes in the low land,and bald prairie with actual low creeping catus plants on top,was an area somehow missed by the Great Landscaper some ten thousands years earlier when the Glacier Ice pushed flat this fertile land,creating the great Mid-West,and thereby providing the greatest growing area in the world a little distraction from the flatness.Though short in stature,and only running some fifteen miles in length,there a none the less a forbidable wilderness,where a misstep could cause a broken limb,and where a lack of concentration could lead to all sorts of misadventure.

There were many stories of lost souls coming to an untimely end,though those tales were always about "some traveller"and never a local.Perhap they were tales to frighten young children?such was the proven method of instruction,look to any fairy tale.Dangerous or not,they were real wilderness,there where no roads,we would hike in the last three miles,and pitch camp in the famous bell tents,and cook from an open fire,and be taught survival skills,at a time when it was still allowed to place children in danger so that they could properly learn,Ahh,the good old days,there is a lot to say for them.

It was with great anticipitation,and some misgiving,that we were setting out on this journey towards manhood,this step back into a more primitive time,a time where your wits were more important then your looks or hertitage,a time when all that was required was hard work to be accepted,and no one ever questioned your past,and the only difference between people was what time they ate breakfast,as there was a large debate,eat before the chores or after?In our home the answer was after,a hour or so in the fresh air and the barn,where the air was not so fresh,was a great stimulate to appetite.

As was be fitting such a great undertaking,all of our parents were there to see us off,in fact it was mine own adopted pair that were sitting in that shinny black truck,a truck that was to have a profound affect on my life a few years later,however that is another narrative.

I was taken back,I was in wonder and some what in awe,for unfolding around me,where events that not only had I never seen before,but had never even imagined could happen.Nothing in my eight long years could prepare me for the scene I was observing for the first time.I had never obserbed such behaviour before!
Grown men and women,many with actual tears in their eyes,were clutching at their sons,hugging them,and even KISSING them,and not just the mothers,but actual fathers,grown men as well,and from all corners I could hear unfamiliar phrases such as
"I love you"Be careful,we love you""Good bye son,be careful"

This indeed was something new,this seemed like a good idea,one that I was going to be very happy and proud to be a part of,surely it was only a few more moments before it was my turn to be granted such a grandiose send off.I glance around,my eyes darting back and forth,my head darting from side to side,peering through the throng of people,searching out for my parents.There they where!....no,that was not them,they where still as they had been,sitting in the truck,but wait...the door is opening! This is it! MY PARENTS WERE GOING TO BE LIKE THE OTHERS!Father speaks,in that booming Drill Sergeant's voice:
"Hurry up and get on the bus,we have to go pick up feed.What the Hell are you waiting for GO!"
Oh,you have to pick up feed?,I understand now,then thats okay Mom,thats okay Dad,as long as there is a good reason,off you go now,get the feed,I'll see you when I get back........and I pray that I never have to.

Remember,there is help for Drug & Alcohol Addictions,be a victim no longer!
Parents,love your children,but most importantly talk to them,be aware of where they go and who they are with.Tell them it's okay to make mistakes,and please,every day,tell your children you love them! Make yourselves approachable,do not let them fear you to the point where they feel they must hide what they do.

I invite as always your comments and suggestions.Please,save your MLM and other promotions,I promote only God and myself! I send out a silent Prayer for Victims of Sexual Abuse,you never need feel alone again.Come forward,email me,we will climb the Mountain together.

To insure you never miss a post,simply email hdforbes@yahoo.ca with the word READ in the subject header.and with that,I will bide you fair well,go now and read some Happy Tales of Misery and Suffering!

SAVED BY METHADONE

2005-10-04T00:00:00.000-06:00

I am an drug addict.I am totally dependent on opiates,without their pain-killing qualities I can not function.This will not be a pretty point of prose,just a fact filled essay that I hope will be helpful to some,educating to others and the rest of you,just put up with me okay?This won't take long.
I suffer from Fibromyalgia,a syndrome characterized by chronic pain in the muscles and soft tissues surrounding joints, fatigue, and tenderness at specific sites in the body. Add to that fact a history of extreme abuse inflected on my body,through recklessness,traffic accidents and sports,and the odd shit kicking just to keep me on my toes.I have had over twenty full breaks,and even more fractures of bones,all the way from my little toe to my skull,which may explain a few things!
I am not using any of these things as reasons for my drug abuse,rather explaining how I was able to convince the doctors I needed their help.
I started with codeine,then on to morphine.I remained in control for the most part,actually selling half of my prescriptions rather then waste them on myself.I would use store bought painkillers at a dangerous level,just so I could sell my per.
Of course in time,weakened in will by alcohol and cocaine,I started injecting morphine,rapidly going from 60 mgs per day,to 1200 mgs per day.
Impossible the doctors out there say?I will only say,that my body as always been very adaptable,it seems to through off the effects of drugs,even alcohol,at a rate many times faster then the norm.In other words,a cheap date I ain't!
And then there is the problem with my asthma and euphaseima,a result no doubt of over thirty five years of smoking.
Morphine had another effect on me other then just painkilling and a feeling of well being,it also seemed to help when my breathing was laboured.Now,just for the hell of it,through in a dose of double pneumonia,and you have the scenario that lead to my "death"I was having difficulty breathing,my inhalers were not doing the trick,my bodt ached,so I cranked some mo(morphine).Then some more,and then I don't remember fuck all for a week,excuse the language,just writing what I was thinking.
This is not the place to go into the philosophical awakening this event brought about,I mention it only to point the way to my final decision to quit the drugs and crime,and attempt to become human again.
Opiates have an extreme affect on the body,it is addictive physically as well as emotionally.Once your body becomes adapted to it,you must have it or face extreme illness and mental anxiety as your brain produces an array of chemicals in an attempt to compensate for the lose.
Cold turkey withdrawal is one way of overcoming your addiction,and sounds easy,but if you also are in rewal need of painkillers,Methadone becomes the only answer.
Methadone is a rigorously well-tested medication that is safe and efficacious for the treatment of narcotic withdrawal and dependence. For more than 30 years this synthetic narcotic has been used to treat opiate addiction. Heroin and morphine releases an excess of dopamine in the body and causes users to need an opiate continuously occupying the opioid receptor in the brain. Methadone occupies this receptor and is the stabilizing factor that permits addicts on methadone to change their behavior and to discontinue illegal drug use.
There is not to much that can ever be said was a good result from a war,and even less can be said that the German Army did for the betterment of mankind during the Second World War.
German researchers where given an almost impossible task by their Nazi overlords,come up with a painkiller so wounded men could return to the field sooner,but make said painkiller non euphoric,the mental and emotional levels of the patient could not be tampered with.
Tampering with Morphine and it's derivative heroin,they where able to synthesize a new chemical combination,and Methadone was born.
Used almost exclusively in hospitals as a painkiller for the terminal ill,it was not until the wide spread use heroin use in the sixties that it's use as a substitute for street drugs was discovered and it was first used as a long term treatment.
Despite it's great success,there remains a stigma in the public perception of it's use,but despite this,its use continues to grow,with many areas having a long waiting list for those seeking treatment.
In my own case,it took me almost two months from the first tenative phone call to the actual first drink,as that is the way it is taken,orally as a drink,here in this part of Canada,it is usually mixed with a fruit juice,mainly orange.
I owe my life to Methadone,of that I am positive.I can give the credit for me being clean to my promise to my daughter,I can say my newly discovered Faith in the Lord gave me the strength I needed,but I must confess to the truth,without Methadone I would not have made it.Simple.End of story.

Which brings me to the whole point behind this post,my announcement to you of the on line support group I founded a few months back.
Please do not be fooled by the name,this support group is open to all that have issues with addiction,whether it be food,drink,drugs,gambling or what have you,if you or a loved one as a past and or present problem with an addiction,this group is for you.
So,I hereby give you an official invitation to visit and or join the Yahoo group
SAVEDBYMETHADONE and please,if you are thinking of joining so you have another group to broadcast your marketing plan to,FORGET IT! I created this group as a serious forum to discuss our addiction issues,and I have a 0% tolerance for unrelated messages.
Group members in good standing who have a business or marketing affiliation they wish the other members to know about,are allowed to post a link to what ever they want us to see.but we do not want to see it in our messages.
Any one not following these guidelines will be immediately banned from the group.

That concludes my post,I told you it would not be pretty prose,but if any of you have any questions,please leave a comment and or email me and I will be glad to reply ASAP. hdforbes@yahoo. HUGS ARE BETTER THEN DRUGS!

THE OFFICIAL BIO OF A DRUG ADDICT

2005-10-01T01:00:00.000-06:00

THE OFFICIAL BIO OF A DRUG ADDICT the early years
If you are not an authorized reader you are subject to penalties under laws.If you are reading this without permission,report for execution.Failure to do so will result in the lose of your pet rock,and the forfeiting of your Ronald MacDonald Monopoly points
Born to parents unknown on April the fourth in the c.e.1956 in Regina Saskatchewan Canada he was placed for adoption and was soon adopted by loving Parents John&Sarah Forbes of Semans Saskatchewan,a farming community approximately eighty miles to the north of the Provincial Capitol Regina.
He completed all education offered to him at the Margret McClumb High School in the aforementioned Semans.He Graduated in 1974 and promptly married his High School sweet heart Corrine Murney.After residing and working in Regina for eighteen months he moved his young family(which by this time included a beautiful daughter Terri Dawn)to the logging community of Prince George British Columbia where he was gainfully employed at the Clear Lake Sawmills until his return to Saskatchewan in 1980,at which time he took employment in various construction endeavors with an eye to taking over the family farm, which he did so in 1983,which he promptly set out to expand and improve, ending in utter failure and bankruptcy in 1987.
Desperate to support his family which had grown with the addition of beautiful daughter Susan Ashley in 1986,he took employment as a sales Manager with Electrolux Canada which he preformed with outstanding success winning several Outstanding Sales and Recruitment Rewards,working with distinction and valour,he was named Manager of the Year for 1987,a year which also saw the birth of his one and only Son, David John.
David passed away in his sleep at the horribly young age of twelve weeks, suffering from SID syndrome.
This set in motion events that lead to Mr.Forbes being dismissed from his position some six weeks later, having fallen under the spell of Alcoholism and self destructive behavior.His actions over the next almost two decades can only be called erratic,in and out of relationships,another "marriage" that WAS eneded by the death of his true love,years in PRISON and in and out of ORGANIZED CRIME,and finally to out of control DRUG USE,leading to his death in July of 2004.
His body was discovered by members of three different Law Enforcement Agencies who had come to Arrest him on drug charges.
What prompted the one member,over the objections of the others, to begin CPR on an obvious corpse as never been explained,the officer in question refusing to speak of it,and he as since been transferred to parts unknown.
Thus begins our Story.