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Tuesday, October 18, 2005

THE ROAD DOWN

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I have no clear game plan here,I am not with this first entry attempting to be much of an author,more of a narration I guess you could call it,rather then true journalism,but you never know,I might just surprise us all and write something worth while!
I am afraid that some of you may take the wrong impression away from here,as in many parts it will sound as if I am proud of my past and that I do not understand the harm I was causing.
There is nothing that could be further from the truth then that,I only sound that way because I am writing how I felt AT THE TIME and place of the incident,and my mindset is much different now then when I was a parasite on societies back,for that is exactly what I was.So,bear with me as I relate the long story of how I first used a needle in my arm.
I have long been known around town as the guy to see for pot marijuana for you less in the know( what 2 people? out of 300 million? )
I was once in court on drug related charges,and the prosecutor was making the case that I must be very highly placed in organized crime since the grade of pot that they had seized had twice the usually amount of THC(Tetrahydrocannabinol; a compound that is obtained from cannabis or is made synthetically; it is the primary intoxicant in marijuana and hashish. ) that was normally found on the street.
His argument was that any one with pot that had a 27.5% content had to know the very best of growers,and by extension,I must therefore be associated with a internationally known motorcycle organization( I was NOT).
The way he was speaking was to supposed to make me feel that I should be ashamed,while all the time he was narrating his closing,I was swelling with pride,and a glance at the court audience showed that most of them felt the way I did,there where lots of nods and thumbs up thrown my way.
Even when the prosecutor brought up the seized firearms,which where both loaded at the time of arrest(a gun that is not loaded is just a club!I was raised with firearms,no one was in danger) the crowd seem to support my contention that the weapons where for protection from other criminals,not intended as a threat to law enforcement(I would NEVER shoot a cop,I respect them,and understand them)
The fortunate thing about that court case was that I actually had a legal aid lawyer who was totally committed to keeping me out of jail.You would almost think that he was a customer of mine,the way he fought for me!
He used all his powers of persuasion,citing other cases where the person was convicted yet served no time,but rather where placed on electronic monitoring.
I don't know if it was his arguments,or the fact it was two days before Christmas,but the judge gave me the choice,eighteen months of electronic monitoring(an ankle bracelet that tracks your movements and traces your location.Damn GPS!) or fourteen months of confinement.
I actually at that time asked for a day to think it over!It was a reluctant (or so he seemed) Judge that ordered me back to the Correctional.
I took the time.I read the conditions of release that I would have to live by and decided it wasn't for me.I knew I would violate the conditions,and end up with more charges,and since it was me,the cops would be watching closely.
I still may have gone for the conditional release except for the thirteenth and final condition laid out on the order that was given to be to critic:
13)shall have no contact at any time with anyone associated with drugs.
In my world,almost everyone I knew at least had a minor possession record,and since I was under conditions,the police had the right to stop me and interrogate me as to my comings and goings,and I was afraid that by extension,I may just land a colleague or friend in jail simply because they were seen with me.

I have sold an estimated tonne of pot,that is not just a saying,that is a real estimate.Two thousand pounds may seem like a lot,but spread it over the years and it becomes a more believable figure.
I have smoked ( and this always surprises people) at the most 3 grams! over thirty two years!( for you completely naive people,that amounts to about 10-12 joints,20 street sale size)
I hate pot,I hate how it makes me feel,I hate the time depression effect it has on me.I always like to feel that I am able to defend myself,and I KNOW that when I am stoned on pot I can not.
I found out this lesson the same way I seem to learn everything,the hard way.
I was working as a bouncer in a bar in a frontier town(in the 70's it was considered as such) that had a more then usual violent reputation.
I will not bore you with the blow by blow,but once,when stoned,I tried to evict a patron,and he got a hold of my hair( which was in a braid) and that was that,I suffered the price.I immediately went behind the bar and withdrew a nine inch knife I had confiscated and cut off my hair!No more pot for me!

So,how did I move from not even smoking pot to cocaine?and then anything I could jab into my arm?
Simple,one word.SEX! I was a sex addict ever since I was molested as a young teenager,I was molested by a man,and I now know it was my efforts to wipe that homosexual experience from my mind,that made me pursue women the way I did,for the next thirty some years.The condition is well known to shrinks and is called the "compensation principle"( at least that is what the one I had called it)
Despite the fact that I have never had a homosexual thought in my life,I was always out to prove my"manhood" by sleeping with every willing female that came along.Couple that with what must have been okay looks and attitude,as I almost never approached a women first,the list of my sex partners is well in the three figure range and most likely pushing four figures,but whose counting?
Please,ladies forgive me if I sound like a chauvinist pig,the truth is the complete opposite.I love and respect women,my best friends have usually been women,and I honestly feel they are the stronger and superior sex.I was fortunate in that my first sex partner after my molestation was lady some fourteen years my senior,and she taught me the pleasure of GIVING pleasure,a selfish lover I am not.
It was not until I was almost forty years old that I became a believer in monogamy,that was with my second "wife" .We were not married in the official sense,but no man ever was more committed.

My next partner I totally overwhelmed,I transferred my grief into an almost obsessive love,and I was shattered to find that she was not being monogamous.
I then had a three year relationship,and while I remained faithful,my heart was not really in it,I was only protecting myself by having a partner.If I am in a relationship[,the lady never wants for anything,I become hardworking,reliable and trustworthy with money,even if the money is ill gained,and the hard work consists of dealing 18 hours a day.
I was forced to end that relationship due to abuse,I could not take anymore beatings!I am being serious! quit laughing!she used to get drunk,come home and pick a fight so she could run off to drink some more.I do not hit women,and I was getting sick of explaining away my black eyes,and once,a broken leg(she hit me with a nine pound sledge hammer because I fell asleep while she was berating me)
I don't do single all that well,I never seem to have the drive necessary even to be a proper drug dealer,so when that relationship ended I started back in my ways of sleeping around,supposedly because I was looking to settle down with someone.
I had a very successful pick up line(I was a very well known individual where I used to hang out,I did not have to introduce myself) which consisted of me pushing the chair in front of a female walking by(this is in a bar of course) and saying "sit down,I am taking applications""Applications?"they reply,"yes,for the position of new old lady" BINGO,that was it,worked seven out of ten times.
How I avoided a STD (sexual transmitted disease)all these years is a miracle in it's own self,and I caution you all,practice SAFER SEX! Okay,there was the situation,just six years ago.
I was strong,healthy,and all too single,which is something I didn't do well in those days.Only
In order to have the money I wanted to drink my face off and meet women( always the wrong ones) I of course was selling drugs,but always screwing up with the money,which I contribute to my being single and just not caring enough.So it was not an unfamiliar sight to see me waking up with a girl,or in this case two.
The women I was with that fateful day,were of course both addicts,and they used Ritalin(related article,not associated with me) which besides from giving them a rush,they claimed it also served as an aphrodisiac.It was this aspect that caught my attention I believe,because damn it,I was going to keep these ladies happy,that is what I always prided myself on,and no I will not give details,read Penthouse Forum if that is what you are looking for! I have absolutely nothing against porn,especially the written kind where no one is exploited,however I will leave that kind of writing to others that are in that business,I won't attempt to break into that market.I also have the funny feeling I would not have the ads you see above if I were to write smut.They would soon ban this site.
So,there I was,I had been up awake for over 36 hours,drinking and loving the whole time,and when I could no longer,ahhh,lets just when I could no longer,I was offered for about the hundredth time,an injection of melted down Ritalin,and was told one time won't do anything but wake me up,in more ways then one,if you follow me.
Blame it on the booze,blame it on my ego( I HAD to perform!) blame it on the girls I was with,hell blame it on Rio,it makes no difference why I did it,in the end it is nobody's fault but my own.
That day turned me from being a hard drinking pot dealer,into an equally hard cranker of cocaine and Ritalin,and in order to support my new life style,I added cocaine to my product line.In keeping with my reputation of having the best pot,I used the same connections to have the purest blow,and unlike the other dealers in the hood,I never cut mine.That produced some horror stories in on its self,they will be related at another time.
The next few months where the most extreme months of my life.The phrase sex drugs and rock and roll took on a whole new meaning for me.
I will end this now,that is enough for today,you will just have to check back in a couple days to see my next entry.

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4 Comments:

At 12:37 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Wow, thst is some reading.... thankyou for sharing such information with me

 
At 9:08 PM, Blogger toodles said...

Close to four figures? Where do you find the strength? :)

 
At 8:35 AM, Blogger My World said...

What an inspiring blog.fantasic use of adverse experiences to help others make a turn around.WOW

 
At 9:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Incrediable! Thank God you are Saved!Bless you,and may you have nothing but success in your life.

 

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