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Saturday, December 10, 2005

An Old Friend

For first time readers,my name is Doug and I am an Alcoholic and Drug Addict.I am an Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse.I have spent years behind bars,when not behind bars I was in Bars!I use my life story as an example to hopefully inspire or give courage to other addcits and victims.I "died" of a drug overdose which lead to me being:CLEAN AND SOBER 17 MONTHS 7 DAYS 12 HOURS 45 MINUTES,that is how long it as been since my death,and then my miraculous revival but who's counting?

AN OLD FRIEND and a new drug

I was fifteen when I first met him.Oh,I had known about him for years,even caught a glimpse of him once when my parental grandfather and my namesake passed away at the very young age of eighty six.I was sure I caught a glimpse of him then,but was to young to know for sure,I think I was six or so.
Whenever I have seen him he was easy to spot,you see I come from a town so small that we all could fit inside a 300 seat theater and there would still be room to invite dates,so any new face or any new person stands out from the rest of us who have known each other since birth.
I am positive that I saw him one night when a bunch of us were in the process of coming of age,at the mandatory beach party all teenagers must at least say they were at.It was an exceptionally warm night,even for July in the Mid West.As such it was decided that we must all go for a midnight swim.
One of the boys there didn't want to go swimming that night,after all we were all under the influence,we had been drinking heavily since supper time.I as usual had supplied most of the alcohol,I always seemed to be able to find a source,even if it was moonshine,I was the guy to see even at that age.(I have already told you about how I was sexually abused and how I used the pedophile to do my bidding)
Add to that the fact that the night was pitch black.The clouds that were to bring a morning thunder shower were blocking what little moon there was,and even Sirius in all it's splendor was invisible that night.The boy reluctance to go swimming was laughed at by the rest of us,me the worst of the teasers,and since there were girls watching,he of course gave in.They found him by eight o'clock in the morning,so we still had time to get to school.Not my fault,not at all.
Even though the night was so dark I am sure that I got a glimpse of my friend that night.I did not know it at the time that we were going to become so well acquainted or that he would have such a profound influence on my life.

It was just over two years later when I saw him again.I had just returned from a summer of working in a bush camp a thousands miles from home,so I was of course the local hero,what with my worldly manner and pockets full of money.
I brought back more then money from that summer away from home,I also brought back some pretty glamorous stories about the wonders of marijuana.I also brought back enough to share.
There was one boy who was reluctant to try it,but he was teased,and there were girls present, so he tried it.They found his over turned truck by eight oclock in the morning,so there was still time for us to go to school.Not my fault,not at all.

Low and behold,it was only about two months later that my new friend appeared again.One of the boys kept wanting to hear my tales of adventure in the bush camp,the easy money,easy women and the cheap drugs all appealed to him so much that he began to brag that he would quit school and go out there.He kept bragging so much that people began to tease him so much it was almost a form of abuse,and there were girls present,so of course he had to go.
This time we were already at school when they came to tell us that,yes,he had finally quit school and ran away to the bush camp,driving his fathers car.He ran away to go on an adventure,an adventure that I had planted in his head.He ran away,but he did not find his adventure,in fact he never arrived at his destination at all.He never was a good driver, fortunately the people in the other car were not seriously injured.Not my fault,not at all.

The winter that year was a mild one,and by mid March spring was in the air,the snow was gone and the first willows where giving up the branch tips with their fuzzy "pussy's"to adorn table tops.It seemed like it was the perfect day for a high school dance,and of course it was also a perfect excuse to buy some more alcohol and to break into my drug stash.What kind of teenage dance would it be if there wasn't alcohol and drugs to abuse?Since there was a dance,there is of course there is a girl,and being the type of guy I was,even though I already had a fiance' living in the big city(yeah,I got engaged in high school,no she wasn't pregnant,I was "compensating") I of course had a date for the dance.
The weather here is famous,you can see a sixty degree(Fahrenheit) drop in temperature in eight hours or less,and that is just the kind of day it was the next time my buddy came around,the night I should say.I was just getting into the police car,being taken away because they suspected I was under the influence,leaving my date to drive herself home in what was to turn out to be the worst blizzard in twenty years.As I turned to wave good bye to her,I think I saw my friend standing behind her with big grin,but as usual I was both high on drugs and drunk on alcohol,so I might have been wrong.
They found her cold frozen lifeless body about eight o'clock in the morning,she had tried to walk home after getting stuck in a snow drift.There was no school that day,as it was a weekend.Not my fault,not at all.

It was years before my friend showed himself again,I was almost beginning to think he had forgotten me,and all that I had done for him.When he did come again,it was in the most abstruse of manners.My feelings towards him while ambiguous,were at least not hateful,not until this time.From now on I would loathe him and recoil from even thinking of him.
I had wanted a son all of my life,what man doesn't? I am told by the psychologists and the psychiatrists I have seen over the years that I was obsessed with having a son due to my family feelings,or rather lack of family feelings.I am adopted,I have no known blood relatives,so a boy to me represented the beginning of an identity,the old "carry on the family name and bloodline" thing that was and is so popular even in these enlightened days.A chauvinist I am not,but I am still old fashioned enough to see a son as the name carrier.I have two beautiful highly intelligent daughters,and no man is prouder of them,and I can tell myself that they will continue my blood(I already have a beautiful highly intelligent ten year old granddaughter who just learned she can beat me in a game of crib) but unless they pass my name to a male know what I mean,it should not be important to me,but it was very important to me once.I am learning to accept the fact I will never have a male heir.(What's that?you volunteer to have my baby?still can't,went and had a vasectomy,anoher long story filled with heart ache)
Between the the two girls I have lay ten years,ten years of my wife and I trying for that son,or any child.Ten years of miscarriages and spontaneous abortions (I hate that term!)In desperation I called out to God,"Let me have a son,and I will sponsor a foster child."I immediatley send a cheque,we are foster parents,and nine months later we were the proud parents of a son.I had since lost the family farm and it was alcohol that was almost as big as factor as grain and livestock prices.
So we had our new son,I had a new job,things were good,who needed the hassel and expense of a foster child?My son died at the age of twelve weeks.Not my fault,not at all.

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The years drift by,my old friend shows up many times,but by now I am so used to his presence I barely even notice him.I sell drugs to someone and they die?Not my fault,not at all.I take a guy drinking when he was ordered not to drink by doctors and he dies,not my fault,not at all.
One day I decided I was in love,and I quit drinking and I quit selling drugs,I got a real job,I didn't do a damn thing wrong.I was so madly in love nothing could stop me from succeeding.Nothing but my old friend.Lisa was the most beautiful woman I have ever known,and she made me happier then a man as a right to be.I quess that is why my old buddy came,he was jealous.She was fourty one years old,not my fault NOT AT ALL!

Again the years go by,I see my old friend now and then,but his visits mean nothing to me.I call up my best friend to bring me more drugs,he stops for gas,and gets stabbed to death in a robbery,not my fault,not at all.
I gave up on the being sober idea and I live with a lovely lady for over three years.We drink and do drugs together,and for the most part we get along fine.I went to jail,of course she had to do what she had to do to survive,and when I get out,we tried a couple times,but it wasn't there anymore.I don't see my old friend either for a while,a nice chance,sometimes you get tired of seeing the same guy over and over.
I then think I saw my old friend again,this time up close and personal,but at the last possible second I lost sight of him,and like the Phoenix I was reborn and I never expected to see him again.
I am also clean and sober since then,and for the last six months or so have been talking to my lady friend,she was still drinking and doing drugs,but asking for my help,wanting an "us'again,and I was trying to help her get clean.She kept asking to "come home"but I was not ready,she was still using,and I would not let her in.
"Bonnie,I love you! I need you,come home!"
Those are the exact words she said she dreamt I said to her. I of course just laughed her off,accusing her of inventing things again.I told her it was hard to manipulate someone who was a Grand Master at guile.I don't profess to being a fraud artist extraordinaire just because I like the way the phrase rolls of my tongue,No,that was just another ploy by her to steer the conversation around to us getting back together.I didn't fall for it.That was just a few days ago.
My old friend came again.I was just congratulating myself on how wonderful my life was going,and God and I had just had a long talk about my future and His plans for me,when my old friend showed up again.Once more my lady friend was fourty one years of age when my old friend came.Not my fault,not at all.
You see,as I am sure you all know,my old friend is DEATH.the New Drug I refered to ?GOD!

Dedicated to Bonnie A. Thank you for loving me,may you RIP 01/17/64-11/10/05


I pray that others will find the joy in living I that I have discovered.

I pray that others may join me in Giving thanks for what I have,not wish for what I do not.

I pray others will be inspired by my events,and from them take new understanding.
I am disabled barely able to walk with a cane,near blind,deaf in one ear.

I suffer from Fibromylogia,
I have contacted Hep-C,
I just had a CAT scan and a spot of Adenoma was discovered.
I have twice beaten cancer,this maybe the third strike
I suffer from PAD,my feet and legs are swollen to three times their normal size and leave me in excruciating pain.
I have been stabbed eight times,suffered two gunshot wounds.
I have had over 40 broken bones in a dozen different incidents.
I have lost the use of my left eye(knife)and right ear(kicked)
I live in poverty,needing to beg from food banks in order to have enough food to live.
I live in isolation,needing "away time"to heal,yet I am never alone,for He is with me, one more thing I give thanks for.
I was sexually abused by a teacher/boyscout leader as a young teenager.
I was a pallbearer at four,attendant at 3 others of my schoolmates funerals before the age of 17,which perpared me for death of love ones.
I lost a son,my one and only, to SIDS,taken at just 12 weeks
I lost a wife,my one true love to a neurological disorder.
I just found out I lost another,cause yet known,DRUGS FOUND AT SCENE
I was once found"dead" of a drug overdose,but
I DO NOT HAVE AIDS OR HIV(a miracle in it's self)

Thank you Lord,for leaving me alive at all,for the roof over my head,( have been homeless) the porridge I had for breakfast and will again for supper ( no lunch) for the gift of this computer( it was a gift from my daughter,reunited by His Hand) and thank you for the company of my cat,I was lucky,her children all found good homes.
It is a wonderful day!Though the skies might be gray,and the air cool,I bask in the glow of His love and am warmed.Thank you Lord,just for being You!

As the song say's,don't cry for me.I am alright,I needed to write this,get the bile out.It may sound like I am blaming myself for these people dying,and that is exactly what I felt for most of them,that it was my fault that they were dead.I mean the facts are pretty plain,if you take me out of those stories,the subject lives.Is it then any wonder I was filled with guilt?
Like another song say's "I just did me some talking to the sun",well I have done the same thing,I have did me some talking to the Son,and everything will be alright,it alright now baby,it's alright.(sorry for butchering two beautiful songs,they died for a good purpose)My talk with the Son was a good one,we are on the same page,He expects certain things from me,and I expect nothing from Him,He as done enough for me I feel.He says He as much more to give me,and I will accept His gifts,how can I not?He loves me! I don't think my old friend DEATH is a worry to Him!

As usual I invite your comments and will publish the good with the bad.I will however delete any spammers,please do not even try and get me to promote with you,under you or over you.Neither your product or your proposal interests me.I will visit your sites if your comment is relative to this post and not just another copied/pasted piece of drivel.I love looking at sites that earn revenue from Go gle ads,I like to learn as much as I can about word placement etc.

If any of you find information from any of the sponsors that you found particularly useful,I would love to hear about it.My favorite mail is the ones I have received saying that they were genuinely helped because of one the ads that Go gle provided,that makes them doubly rewarding.

So,until the next time,God Bless you all,please tell your friends of my sites.Thank you.Alcoholism and Drug Addiction are beatable.I am living proof!There is help out there!If you need a start,email me and I will do my best to help.I have an on line support group for addicts,and there is room for you in it!If you were a victim of Sexual Abuse,there is no reason for guilt or shame,as those are just other forms of abuse.let THE ABUSE END NOW! Parents be informed,know the warning signs that your child may be being abused.

DRUGS KILL! ALCOHOL IS A DRUG!Please if drugs or alcohol are causing a problem in your life,seek help.It can be done!