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Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Boyscouts are Always Prepared,or are They?

Just to bring first time readers up to speed,I am a drug and alcohol addict.I also was a sex addict,sleeping with every woman I could.I am in recovery from all three addictions.Praise the Lord.!

I am scared of what I am about to tell you,the reasons for my fear will wait,but I need to tell you something,and I must do it in a small boys voice,a voice I had hoped never to hear again,a voice that I had thought I had killed for ever.

I watched him die that little boy that night.I had killed him,as sure as if I had taken a gun to his head,I killed him.
Never again would the young boy run and play carefree,no more would he look at the world with bright eyes,gleaming in anticipation of the new day and of new discoveries to make.Never again would the young boy feel safe,never again would the young boy exist.That is the way it was supposed to be,him gone forever.

Oh yes,I killed him,buried him,cast him into a deep grave in the back of my mind,he was never to see the light of day again,however now the Lord as decided that he must live again,and tell you of his death.This is the second time the Lord as resurrected me,first the adult that I am,and now the little boy.The little boy speaks:

I so excited! today is the the day!I have been working so hard at getting my badges,hope Dad's happy for change,he always going on how easy us kids have it.This will show him I am tough too,just like him.Not my fault he got to fight a war,both him and Grandpa,mine will come,they all say so,five more years and I can sign up,then he will be proud of me!Nixon's an idiot,Viet Nam will still be there,and I am going!Only I'm going join the Marines,do a tour then apply for flight school.When I am an Officer,then father will have to be proud of me.

Mom says it's too cold for a camp out,Mother,that is why it's called a winter camp out,zess,Mothers....I have to hurry,get chores done,be in back in town by 10:00 am,oooohh it is cold this morning,the cows teats are going to be sore,they won't want to be milked,even the barn gets cold when it's -40 F.Pig shit liable to need chipping,not shoveling!Have to lite a fire in the water trough,glad I thought ahead and laid it last night.

Be sunrise in a couple hours,better hurry.John( his real name) says we had better have all the clothes and other gear that was on our list,he as no time to check up on us,if we weren't smart nuff to listen,then we could suffer if we missed that extra pair of socks,ot that warm blanket,Sleeping bags alone ain't going do it this time,this here is real survival stuff.Forecast is threating snow and wind,just what we need to make this a real survival trip.Blizzards round here have been known to bury whole houses,our tents could end up being igloos!

Don't know about John,he's a teacher,yet he makes us guys call him by his first name when out of school.Piss poor teacher to,be different if he gave me some real work.He gave me a bunch of books to read,some darn good stories,even a little racy in parts.I know Mother would die if she realized what I was reading,but when I say the teacher gave them to me,not another word.He came to town in August,to start the new school year as our literature and history teacher.

Wish he was our Home room teacher,they say he is a push over.Guys have all started to call him a fag,cause of the clothes he wears,bell bottoms they are called,and polyester suits.The guys here,they don't know to much about what's in,blue jeans is all they know,anybody different,he must be a fag.I don't take nothing from what others says,I have read to much to have the hick attitude of the guys who think books are just for school work,and never anything else.

Good thing he came when he did,cause Mr Menzies retired last year,and we didn't have anyone to be Scout Master.Some of the older boys make fun of us Boy Scouts,but I bet they sure as heck couldn't live outside at -40F! This is for tough guys only,yet it is the so called tough kids who ridicule us.Fuck em I say.

John as been starting to bug me lately.He is always singling me out,giving me praise,telling the other guys to be more like me.I wish he would just treat me like the rest,it's hard enough being known as the smartest kid in school,even worse when it's pointed out all the time.He tells me I am different,that I am way more mature then the rest,that I am special.Wish he wouldn't do that.

Man it is cold!we got the tents up just before dark,the fire is banked up for the night,I have the midnight watch,not looking forward to getting out of this warm sleeping bag.Need to sleep a bit first.

Fell into a drift carrying firewood,snow got all down my back and into my pants.Talk about freezing your ass!John told me it's best to get out of those clothes,sleep nude he says,like the Eskimos.

He brought out a bottle of whiskey,all the other boys are asleep,and we are whispering in a corner of the tent away from them so as to not disturb them,John says.I shiver,it's so cold,John,he says we should both get in the same sleeping bag,so as to stay warm.Brr.

That whiskey made me sick at first,but John kept saying I should drink,it will help me get relaxed.Why do I need to relax?What are you doing John,oh this isn't right,I want him to stop,but it feels so good,have only read of women doing that to a man,never knew that....

I don't know what to say so I just say can I have another drink John?What?,to you?,no!,no,no, well okay I'll try.Let me have another drink first. Sorry,I just couldn't do it,started to choke,thought I was going to throw up all over him,no I won't do that either,can I have another drink?,no?come on,I want another drink...well,okay,but just give me the bottle first.

It HURTS! it hurts so much.I want to cry out but I can't.I can't let the other boys know.God,why is he doing this to me.It so painfull.

Can I have another drink now? Pass the bottle John. Thanks for the drink John.

I invite your comments.Should I go to the police?This was not a one time thing.I KNOW I was not the only one.I managed to limit the sexual contact to just three or four other occasion over two years.I become a drunken male whore,getting him to do my bidding,buy me goods,and of course,provide me with all the liquor I wanted.I admit that I used him,that I gain from the twisted relationship.This as kept me in a sea of guilt,I saw the whole thing as much my fault as his.He introduced me to other women,he arranged for me to lose my real virginity with a beautiful seductive twenty seven year old,my swimming instructor that very next summer.The summer after that he even set me with his youngest sister.The man is truly sick,and as such I should forgive him and pray he gets the help he needs.That is what God wants I am sure,but this is one that even God will have to wait on.

I fear,for very good reasons,he is still an active pedophile.I saw him on television,his arm draped around a boy of about 13.He was running a computer day camp for inner city children.I saw the look in his eyes and I knew.That was fifteen months ago.

I was found "dead" of an overdose of morphine a few days later.I have no memory of that,and can only speculate.I have never believed in suicide,but perhaps in an intoxicated state......

I pray to you O Lord,give me the strength I need,and the wisdom to decide what to do.Please Lord,help learn how to forgive him,he who stole my youth,and that of the other boys,some that I am aware of,but that was in the two years before he fled our town as rumor ran wild.
Funny thing,parents seem to know,yet none spoke to the boys.Those things just weren't talk about.
I will tell you more details in the next few days,I feel emotionally drained right now.I have given enough details that everyone from my school days and in fact my whole home town in those days will know who his,and that is all I have the nerve for right now.
If you know who he is,well do what you will,I leave it in yours and God's Hand for now.PRAY FOR ME.My hands are trembling,can I hit the publish button? I must.



At 9:38 AM, Anonymous Jess said...

that was very brave.....there is no way a child can be blamed for anything of that nature! you did what anyone else would have done....your intelligence probably hindered you more because you saw how to turn something so horrible into a way of getting things....therein lies the guilt.....that is not 'participating...inviting...nor blame'....that was survival...perhaps in some small way 'justification' so you could survive the fear and guilt.....the mind is very powerful...the subconscious is amazing.....

who cares if the world least now they will understand your destructive behavior had a cause!

and, now you can begin to start healing

good for you! don't lose the faith, now!


At 5:01 PM, Anonymous Soniia said...

If you are able to, expose this creep in a big way...either through the legal system or publicly. That's why there as soooo many victims of this crime: they are made to feel responsible and embarrassed, therefore, they don't tell. You might feel exonerated just by writing the article, you might not. Good on you for writing about what has happened to millions of people, male and female. Many cannot even take that step, many are just heaps of self pity. Congrats for being a "survivor."

PS Someone is watching over you brother and I don't mean a human form either. Of course, I'm sure you already know this.

At 9:10 PM, Blogger The Phoenix said...

If you know he's still working with children, how does that make you feel?

Do you believe you should come forward, face the ugliness, for the sake of his current and future victims?

Is that something you're facing right now? It's tough enough just dealing with yourself, and going to the police is just going to add to everything. On the other hand, what about those other kids?

At 11:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You must go to the police! at once! they NEVER change,I know,I have preyed on children for 50 years,hundreds of them.I wanted to stop,but we can't.We need to be killed,I am so sorry for what I have done,if only someone would have outed me and put me in jail earlier(did a nickle on The Farm,no fun)a lot less kids would have bveen hurt

At 1:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lord, you have been through hell itself, I extend my heart and prayers to you and am proud of you for your strength to continue through the pain and confusion. You can heal and grow beyond the horrible experiences you endured. I learned (the very hard way) that I am NOT my circumstances. I am not what has happened to me or is happening around me. That took a long time to learn and internalize, but I know it is true. I know that you can go forward in life to help others affected by this also. This may also help you to deal with your experiences...

Please know that there are many, many dedicated people who are working really hard on prevention and education efforts so that no more kids will be hurt and have to go through what you did.

Anonymous who posted before is obviously a fixated pedophile, and he is correct that they have the highest reoffense rate of all. I'm sorry that he had so many victims before he was caught (that abused at all, really) and hope that he can get the help he needs (STAY in therapy, buddy! And join the Yahoo group AAOR for recovering offenders) so that he can stay safe and not hurt anyone else.

Doug, I strongly encourage you to turn this man in! It is imperative that he be stopped from further abusing.

If you get a chance, make a list of whatever evidence that you have, list any other victims that you know of (if appropriate) and report John. You are doing the right thing.

God be with you and feel free to contact me at any time,

Carolyn Ferguson
Executive Director
SOhopeful International
Resource Library & forum:
212-714-7061 -or- 503-381-6535

At 12:32 AM, Blogger 4given4ever said...

God let you go through this for a reason so you can help other victims. Please don't be ashamed or hold it in. Speak out and expose this person so that he and his victims may get the help they deserve. Let God give the punishment through Him and the court system. You can be the voice though for all those victims. Please don't let them down. If someone would have come forward before this happened with you, then it might not have happened to you.

At 12:28 PM, Blogger Milton A Covering said...

You are not alone Brother. Brother, I use that term for we are both from a similar background. I too was sexualy abused at 13.

Welcome to the healing journey.

Thanks for sharing.


At 8:53 PM, Anonymous Dan said...

There are many of us who buried our past. Our brains sunk them deep only to be tapped when we go older. The pain of keeping those memories was too much. Our brain decides when we are to hash them over....literaly relive them and hopefully come to some terms with them. They never go away. They stay with us. Each time we tell our story, it gets easier. It lessens the impact to some extent. OH I still have memories that resurface and some new ones.
For a long time after we start remembering we put the blame and the shame on ourselves. It isn't until we put the blame where it belongs are we able to become the person we should have become before our innocents was ripped from us.
I say bravo to you for telling your story for all to read. I know it took bravery and courage to do so.

At 5:46 AM, Anonymous meg said...

It takes a man of strength to talk about an experience that has been kept hidden for so long. I hope that by talking that you can let go of the emotional ties that have burdened you from such a traumatic experience.
Only you have the answer to the question you wish others to make for you.... Do you report him... you tell me!

At 3:29 AM, Anonymous Bob Love said...

Pure courage. I saw so much of myself in your story that I don't feel so alone anymore. I can relate for the first time to another man. I usually just feel different and an outsider, but not now.

Thank you,

At 9:19 AM, Anonymous Tam Lee said...

That can only be one man,I know who your abuser was.I know him in regina now.if you won't name him I will JOHN QUESNEL right?

At 8:47 AM, Blogger justamom said...

I'm so sorry you went through that. You may have not told, may feel that you used him for whatever reasons, but this is not your fault-- it is absolutely and unequivocally HIS fault, HIS crime, and HIS sin. You were just a kid.

Your honesty is refreshing, and I'm thankful to have found your blog.

At 11:58 AM, Anonymous Bambi Tuckey said...

It took a lot of courage for you to post this TRUTH. My heart goes out to you for all you suffered, and I highly respect you for "telling it like it is."

At 7:43 PM, Blogger Water Tiger said...

Report him.
TRhe recidivism rate for pedophiles is approxiamately 98%.
He will continue to violate young men as long as he can.
Save someone, and in doing so you will save yourself.
I am so deeply sorry for your suffering. IFrom my experience in treating male survivors of sexual trauma... it is infinitely more challenging to recuperate. There are so many complicated issues.
What he did to you was a horrendoue crime.
Anything you did as a minor, was not your fault.
I have seen kids "use" the predator for gains.
It is okay, do not worry about this.
Report him.
With love from your new friend,


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