Just to bring first time readers up to speed,I am a drug and alcohol addict.I also was a sex addict,sleeping with every woman I could.I am in recovery from all three addictions.Praise the Lord.!I am scared of what I am about to tell you,the reasons for my fear will wait,but I need to tell you something,and I must do it in a small boys voice,a voice I had hoped never to hear again,a voice that I had thought I had killed for ever.I watched him die that little boy that night.I had killed him,as sure as if I had taken a gun to his head,I killed him.Never again would the young boy run and play carefree,no more would he look at the world with bright eyes,gleaming in anticipation of the new day and of new discoveries to make.Never again would the young boy feel safe,never again would the young boy exist.That is the way it was supposed to be,him gone forever.Oh yes,I killed him,buried him,cast him into a deep grave in the back of my mind,he was never to see the light of day again,however now the Lord as decided that he must live again,and tell you of his death.This is the second time the Lord as resurrected me,first the adult that I am,and now the little boy.The little boy speaks:I so excited! today is the the day!I have been working so hard at getting my badges,hope Dad's happy for change,he always going on how easy us kids have it.This will show him I am tough too,just like him.Not my fault he got to fight a war,both him and Grandpa,mine will come,they all say so,five more years and I can sign up,then he will be proud of me!Nixon's an idiot,Viet Nam will still be there,and I am going!Only I'm going join the Marines,do a tour then apply for flight school.When I am an Officer,then father will have to be proud of me.Mom says it's too cold for a camp out,Mother,that is why it's called a winter camp out,zess,Mothers....I have to hurry,get chores done,be in back in town by 10:00 am,oooohh it is cold this morning,the cows teats are going to be sore,they won't want to be milked,even the barn gets cold when it's -40 F.Pig shit liable to need chipping,not shoveling!Have to lite a fire in the water trough,glad I thought ahead and laid it last night.Be sunrise in a couple hours,better hurry.John( his real name) says we had better have all the clothes and other gear that was on our list,he as no time to check up on us,if we weren't smart nuff to listen,then we could suffer if we missed that extra pair of socks,ot that warm blanket,Sleeping bags alone ain't going do it this time,this here is real survival stuff.Forecast is threating snow and wind,just what we need to make this a real survival trip.Blizzards round here have been known to bury whole houses,our tents could end up being igloos!Don't know about John,he's a teacher,yet he makes us guys call him by his first name when out of school.Piss poor teacher to,be different if he gave me some real work.He gave me a bunch of books to read,some darn good stories,even a little racy in parts.I know Mother would die if she realized what I was reading,but when I say the teacher gave them to me,not another word.He came to town in August,to start the new school year as our literature and history teacher.Wish he was our Home room teacher,they say he is a push over.Guys have all started to call him a fag,cause of the clothes he wears,bell bottoms they are called,and polyester suits.The guys here,they don't know to much about what's in,blue jeans is all they know,anybody different,he must be a fag.I don't take nothing from what others says,I have read to much to have the hick attitude of the guys who think books are just for school work,and never anything else.Good thing he came when he did,cause Mr Menzies retired last year,and we didn't have anyone to be Scout Master.Some of the older boys make fun of us Boy Scouts,but I bet they sure as heck couldn't live outside at -40F! This is for tough guys only,yet it is the so called tough kids who ridicule us.Fuck em I say.John as been starting to bug me lately.He is always singling me out,giving me praise,telling the other guys to be more like me.I wish he would just treat me like the rest,it's hard enough being known as the smartest kid in school,even worse when it's pointed out all the time.He tells me I am different,that I am way more mature then the rest,that I am special.Wish he wouldn't do that.Man it is cold!we got the tents up just before dark,the fire is banked up for the night,I have the midnight watch,not looking forward to getting out of this warm sleeping bag.Need to sleep a bit first.Fell into a drift carrying firewood,snow got all down my back and into my pants.Talk about freezing your ass!John told me it's best to get out of those clothes,sleep nude he says,like the Eskimos.He brought out a bottle of whiskey,all the other boys are asleep,and we are whispering in a corner of the tent away from them so as to not disturb them,John says.I shiver,it's so cold,John,he says we should both get in the same sleeping bag,so as to stay warm.Brr.That whiskey made me sick at first,but John kept saying I should drink,it will help me get relaxed.Why do I need to relax?What are you doing John,oh this isn't right,I want him to stop,but it feels so good,have only read of women doing that to a man,never knew that....I don't know what to say so I just say can I have another drink John?What?,to you?,no!,no,no, well okay I'll try.Let me have another drink first. Sorry,I just couldn't do it,started to choke,thought I was going to throw up all over him,no I won't do that either,can I have another drink?,no?come on,I want another drink...well,okay,but just give me the bottle first.It HURTS! it hurts so much.I want to cry out but I can't.I can't let the other boys know.God,why is he doing this to me.It so painfull.Can I have another drink now? Pass the bottle John. Thanks for the drink John.I invite your comments.Should I go to the police?This was not a one time thing.I KNOW I was not the only one.I managed to limit the sexual contact to just three or four other occasion over two years.I become a drunken male whore,getting him to do my bidding,buy me goods,and of course,provide me with all the liquor I wanted.I admit that I used him,that I gain from the twisted relationship.This as kept me in a sea of guilt,I saw the whole thing as much my fault as his.He introduced me to other women,he arranged for me to lose my real virginity with a beautiful seductive twenty seven year old,my swimming instructor that very next summer.The summer after that he even set me with his youngest sister.The man is truly sick,and as such I should forgive him and pray he gets the help he needs.That is what God wants I am sure,but this is one that even God will have to wait on.
I fear,for very good reasons,he is still an active pedophile.I saw him on television,his arm draped around a boy of about 13.He was running a computer day camp for inner city children.I saw the look in his eyes and I knew.That was fifteen months ago.
I was found "dead" of an overdose of morphine a few days later.I have no memory of that,and can only speculate.I have never believed in suicide,but perhaps in an intoxicated state......
I pray to you O Lord,give me the strength I need,and the wisdom to decide what to do.Please Lord,help learn how to forgive him,he who stole my youth,and that of the other boys,some that I am aware of,but that was in the two years before he fled our town as rumor ran wild.
Funny thing,parents seem to know,yet none spoke to the boys.Those things just weren't talk about.
I will tell you more details in the next few days,I feel emotionally drained right now.I have given enough details that everyone from my school days and in fact my whole home town in those days will know who his,and that is all I have the nerve for right now.
If you know who he is,well do what you will,I leave it in yours and God's Hand for now.PRAY FOR ME.My hands are trembling,can I hit the publish button? I must.
IF YOU WISH TO BE NOTIFIED OF THE NEXT INSTALLEMENT IN MY CONTIUING LOOK AT THE UNDERLYING CAUSES OF ADDICTION SIMPLE EMAIL
hdforbes@yahoo.ca with the word READ in the subject header.Thank you.
