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Monday, November 28, 2005

Another Fear to Overcome

HELLO,MY NAME IS DOUG,AND I AM A DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICT.CLEAN AND SOBER 16 MONTHS 22 DAYS 18 HOURS 45 MINUTES,that is how long it as been since my death,and then my miraculous revival but who's counting?
I am scared.Scared like I never have been before.What lays ahead of me makes me shiver when ever I think of it.I am SCARED!

I,who have stood fearlessly up to knife wielding maniacs,calmly ducked bullets while cracking jokes,taking away the gun from the would be robber,then buying him a drink!I,who have shot rapids,swum the depths,climbed mountains and jumped out of perfectly good airplanes.

I,who could steal perfectly good airplanes,even though I had never flown before.(heh,I watched the guy,didn't look so hard!) I who was able to stay so calm I beat the lie detector,not once,but three times.( of course this is fiction,right?)I,who could walk through customs with $250,000 worth of blow,and not even sweat,I am scared.I am not lying,this will be the hardest thing I have ever done,and I am so scared, scared of ridicule,scared of my children's reaction,scared my father who is 85 will find out and not understand,he is of a time when such things just did not happen,nor do I want him to feel guilt for not protecting me.

I am afraid he might,for it was for him,to please him,to try and make him proud,that I joined what would later become the instrument through which I am sure I will regret my involvement for the rest of my days.I have already told you of that,if you missed it read
Boy Scouts are Always Prepared.Read it now,I'll wait here!

I am even scared of my ex-wife,how do you tell the women you married,lived with for fourteen years,who is still one of your strongest supporters,that you could not trust her with your darkest secret?Of all the times she would ask questions and I would lie to her,swore to her, over and over,telling her everything was okay.How do I now confess to her and say to her,she wasn't worthy of my trust?for that is how she will react,this will hurt her,and I have caused enough harm to her already.

My one saving grace with her,my ex-wife and mother of my beautiful daughters,is that she will understand my reasons for going,not only public,but public in the loudest voice I can muster.Once I tell her the root of my fear now,she will rejoice,not at the discomfort I am facing but for the reason I am so scared.That will please her to no end!

I am scared of telling my story and not be believed.I am more scared of telling my story and being believed!I must not tell my tale,I will be forced to relive it,over and over.It may take YEARS before I can finally tell all of the story,for there are legal reasons I can not yet.

I have made a start,but there is so much ahead of me,I can't just quietly report my abuse and move on,no I have to SHOUT to the world,I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED,and by a man,if you can call him that.I am scared of the stigma that is sure to follow,of the wondering glances and the suspicious stares.I am scared that people may think twice about letting me be alone with their children.Where there is smoke there must be fire will be their reasoning.Don't bother telling me that none of these things will happen,they will,as sure as God made little green apples,it will happen.I am scared of the "rat label"for it is a golden rule,for those of us who have ever been behind bars,that we NEVER will say anything to put another there,no matter what.This,above all other reasons,as kept me silent these last few months when the idea was first impressed on my mind to tell of my abuse.I have been "clean and sober"for close to seventeen months now,but it as only been the last few months that I finally feel that my mind is no longer clouded.The more I write,on this or any topic,the more clear things become.So,rat or not,I am reporting my abuser,and have made the first steps.The first tiny steps in what promises to be a long hard uphill climb,made doubly difficult by the fact that I am shivering in my boots! I am SCARED!Scared of all those thing I mentioned and more,but also scared of one more thing,and this one is a biggy!

I am scared of: GOD! yes God!

Not that He will condemn me or strike me down,I am not scared that God will not forgive me,for in this case,it is I for once who was victim,and even if I carry some blame,God as forgiven me,He as spared me,given my life meaning and direction,and that is why I am so scared.I now know what I am to do with my life,and just when I thought living was getting so nice and easy,and SAFE,He,God,throws a wrench into my plans of kicking back with a few good books and watching my granddaughter grow up.No,God as another plan for me,and it SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME! and I think that was the intended message! For sure as He made those little green apples,I was on the road to Hell.That was then,this is now.

Yes,I fear that God will make me live through all of my pain,over and over and then He will make me help others in the same position.He as been busy with me lately,calling upon me to write this,and testifying to how he resurrected me from death,compelling me to start support groups for addicts ,write happy tales of misery and suffering all with the view to helping others who lives may have been touched by addictions.

I have come to terms with the fact that He wants me to become one of those I always used to ridicule,a do-gooder,a crusader if you will,one who is willing to give of his time and his resources to help others.I can accept talking about addictions and helping with fighting injustices,but I do not know if I can do what I think He wants now.
I fear that now He wants me to do more then reveal my story of shame,but that He then wants me to work to help other victims,and even to help and work with the type of person who caused all this fear in the first place.I am scared He wants me to forgive my transgressor,but in order for any of this to happen,I must expose
THE MAN WHO RAPED ME!Yes,it was rape,no there was no violence,or threats,but he was the adult,and an authority figure as well,teacher and scoutmaster as he was,and I was the child,trusting and naive,and at that point in adolescence when a young man body is in flux,striving to be a man,but still a little boy.The physical acts may not have been rape,but the emotional act was the worst and cruelest kind of abuse.
I know that is was rape,it does not matter that I may of enjoyed parts,I do not have to feel guilty that I had orgasm's,or that I accepted the gifts he gave me,went to concerts and plays with him,that I never ran screaming at his first touch.

So I am now five days away from signing the first of what I am sure will be the first of many official statements,formally laying a complaint with Law Enforcement.It is scary,but I WILL SUCCEED.I will OVERCOME MY FEARS and I will PROSECUTE him to the fullest possible EXTEND the LAW.One more PEDOPHILE will be exposed.

I wish I could tell you that it was John Quesnel of Regina Saskatchewan Canada who was the sick twisted former teacher/scoutmaster of mine when he was in teaching in the small prairie town of Semans Saskatchewan in the early 70's.I wish I could tell you that,but I am told not to.So I will not tell you that it was John Quesnel who caused so much of my pain,pain I did not even understand until just a few weeks ago.

I am a DRUG ADDICT,and I am in a DRUG TREATMENT PROGRAM,now I must be a SURVIVOR of CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE,and somehow overcome my fears,for as much as I fear starting this process,I fear NOT DOING IT EVEN MORE! If you have any advise you could share with me I would love to hear from you.I get an exorbitant amount of emails,so please put SCARED in the subject line,or to ensure you never miss a post by me,put READ in the subject line,and I will place you on my notification list.AS long as there is something in the subject line to make your email stand out,you WILL RECEIVE a reply,usually within hours,as I have no life other then the one God as planned for me,and that entails hours and hours of net time.So saying I have no life is very much in error,I have the best of lives,a life that God as spared me from death so that I could live it doing His service,and by doing so,heal myself.

THANK YOU GOD!

Our Father, who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, As we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever.

Amen.



a new resource site,now accepting applications for link placements.If you have a site that is of interest to abuse victims,and or those with addiction issues,I would be proud to ad you to my list.It can either be to your own site,a Ministry,or support group.I am a Christian,but I am tolerant of all who are in need of healing help,regardless of faith,race,or sexual orientation.That may draw the ire of some,but healing comes first.
I INVITE YOUR COMMENTS AND WOULD LOVE TO VISIT YOUR SITE! as long as your comment is not a spamming attempt.Please do not ask me to market with you,sign up either above or below you.I will promote only two things,and your sitaution is not one of them.I promote only God and myself,for by promoting myself,I hope to help others.







10 Comments:

At 6:49 AM, Blogger Milton A Covering said...

Well my brother, I am very proud of you. This is a big step you have taken. I congratulate you on your strength and courage.

 
At 10:19 PM, Blogger masonik4 said...

Hi buddy, just wanted to give you my best wishes. We both know that life doesn't always give each of us a fair shot, but the strongest of us all aren't those with muscles, but the ones with the greatest will to make it, despite it all. Hang in there!

 
At 3:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. You've really beat yourself up over this. I know that it's extremely hard to do, but try to forgive this man, for what he did. No, he doesn't deserve it. Do it for your own mental, emotional and spiritual health. If you hold on to hate, your physical health will eventually suffer. Forgiving him doesn't mean he goes without punishment! It means that you release forever into the Hands of God, your right to seek vengeance. This man raped boys. There is a terrible price to
pay for offending and harming children; the Bible says it is better that a millstone was hanged around the offender's neck, and he was drowned in the depths of the sea.
I'm not trying to dismiss or trivialize what happened to you.
I'm sorry it did; I wish it hadn't.

 
At 8:39 PM, Blogger Belle said...

The thought that came to my mind is when Moses was called by God to rescue the Israelites from Egypt. Moses' reply "Send someone else, God. I stutter."

Stutter! for crying out loud. Look at the fear you are facing. But, I don't hear you asking God to send someone else to release the captives. That takes such faith in your Maker that He knows what He's doing with your life. It's rare and wonderful. I wish you all the best.

 
At 2:28 PM, Blogger Orikinla Osinachi. said...

You are in good hands.
For He is able;abundantly able to deliver and to save those who trust in Him.

God bless.

 
At 5:06 PM, Blogger Christa said...

You have all my best wishes. I know what it's like to get out of an addiction, and heaven knows I know what it's like to live without it. But if you can do it, it's worth every bad thing you ever have to go through.

Take care and don't give up even if it's scarey.

 
At 7:21 AM, Blogger Thundering Wind said...

Hi Doug,

You have traveled a far and rough road and you know God is with you always... within, above, below, around, behind, and front... and You are Loved very much. You are a Divine Being experiencing this human life.

Blessings to you in all your words and works.

~Anna

 
At 8:59 PM, Blogger xianfu said...

glad to c that ur recovering.. Keep it up! Best wishes..do leave a comment at my blog...

 
At 12:29 PM, Anonymous Bambi Tuckey said...

You wrote,
"that I never ran screaming at his first touch."
You couldn't run. I know from experience. It's as if the body freezes; can't move. NONE of this was your fault.

 
At 7:41 AM, Blogger Free at Last! said...

I make a point of NOT making comments here,it gives a false impression of the number of real commenters,but if you return babmi tucker,please email me,address avaiable from my profile

H.D.Forbes(Doug)

 

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